Please Winter Dont Leave Me Now........

I feel like I have been hit by a truck! My head hurts (not migraine bad but darn near close), I cant breathe, my chest hurts and ribs because of all the coughing, and my eyes are taking an awful long time to focus!! SPRING!!!! This is why I like winter, as unlikely as it sounds you don't get nearly as sick in the winter and you do in the spring and summer.

Yep you guessed it this entry will be nothing but full of complaints, I haven't done that a lot in these things but, come on! I think I should get a break!

Gotta go back to work tonight I had two nights where I have been able to sleep in my own bed, under my own covers, ahhhh it was wonderful! But 12 hour shifts for the next 5 nights not very exciting to me! No offense to the patients of course cause there great!


.... Okay I'm done complaining. (actually I have just run out of things to complain about, trust me if I had more I would go on and on and on and......)

Off the Wagon

So I dont proclaim by any means to know the struggles and the obstcales that addicts face. I dont think I have ever in my life been addicted to anything. Well unless face book counts and I dont think there is a rehab for facebook addicts, if there was I would be first to say, "Hello, my name is Heather and facebook has taken over my life". However as much as I am on there I am still able to maintain and hold down a job, homeschool the kids and support my family. So I may just think I am addicted and not really be who knows!

Fer has struggled however and know what its like to be addicted to things. In Feb, 3 years ago he entered a program in Nashville called Pathfinders, what a wonderful place to give you wonderful tools that will allow you the ability to stand up to this "disease" and become a conquerer.

They had so much for him to do there and more importantly they had things for the family to do and participate in. They had family visits on Sunday and although I couldnt make them someone did, my mom, dad, and others went to visit him. They had a family weekend that I did get to attend and it lasted like 3 days. Wow I learned so much there, I was able to learn about what all he was going through and how he would struggle with this the rest of his life. It was so hard to hear, and I can imagine what he went through getting sober and clean and chooseing that life is so much more important.

I learned that it is something that you will have to work at for the rest of your life in order not to fall off the wagon (lose sobrity). I also learned that once you are given the tools to overcome this disorder, you know have a choice, once you step up and understand it everything becomes a choice. Do you choose to pick up that drink or drug or do you choose your life, your kids, your family, anything that is important to you.

Having to go through the things I am now, when someone falls off that wagon, is so hard. Espically when you relize you have been holding him up trying to carry them when they let go along time ago. You have so many questions, could I have done something different? why did you give up? Why was we not worth it? And all the answers are the same for us, It was THEIR choice. We feel helpless, and sad for them, but no matter what we have to relize that life dont stop when they fall. You still have to keep moving forward. Life Goes On, or so they say, even though whoever came up with that I hardley think they were family of an addict!

All I can do now is smile and be happy and not look back, all I can do is hope that when they figure out they fell they can pick theirself up and run like mad to catch back up, and if not.... "Life Goes On". right?

According to Him.....

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh... no...
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. (you, you)
According to you. (you, you)

According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.

Just Another Day As a Homeschool MOM!!

Wow our day has been crazy as of now, we got up at 6:30 to get ready for a doctors appointment this morning. Fun fun! When we got home we went straight to the Library to start on some work. They hate going to the library,lol. It seems though it is the only place that I can get them to really hunker ( is that a word, hee hee) down and really get some work done.

So were here now and its already like 1, we have been here a couple hours. As I sit here I can see them talking, the loud cough at least gets there attention. Then comes the look, oh they know the look, the one that says if you don't stop and do your work you are in soooooo much trouble. The look that says you best get your butt in gear or everything you know and love will cease to exist except bread, water, and school! They get "that look". With a Quick nod there back with there eyes on the paper at least attempting to do there work!

Once we leave here Mariah has Drama Class tonight, she LOVES drama class. It is a class she can dance and get some of her energy out. All Christian Drama, such a moving presentation when the perform. Its awesome to see them enjoy themselves and deliver a powerful message all at once.

I think that's all we have planned for the night, at least I hope. Considering the s decided to pull a late nighter and stay up as late as they wanted, despite many "looks" and discipline, the fact they got up at 6 this morning they are dragging! HA HA! Next time you will go to bed!

Now its time to go grade some papers and see how big of a fire I can light under their seats to attempt to get them hustleing, without the librarian smelling smoke! Wish me luck!

Not to Good.....

Okay, so the doctor didn't go as expected. Jordan has had such a hard time the last couple months. His first surgery when he was two was a life saver, I am so thankful. I just wished it had lasted longer than 8 years, I know wishful thinking.

Hes getting considerabley worse everyday, so back to Dr Kendall we went! After much discussion we have decided that our best option is to try a temporary fix and have botox injected into his esophagus. We tried having him dilated a few months ago but it hasn't helped any. This will help at the month 6 months meaning he will have to get the botox at least twice a year (ouch). When he explained it he said that some people have to be dilated every month or after a few weeks, so I am soooo hoping that will not be the case.

Our other option that he didn't want to do right now, he wants to wait at least two weeks to see if this is going to work, is to redo the fundoplication all over again. Do to his recent prolapsed fundo these are about our only two options. If it does come to the surgery we can either go back down to Vanderbilt or follow the doctor that did his first surgery which now is at the mayo clinic in Florida. He was so wonderful the first time so of course we wanna go back there but what is actually best for us as a family, to stay closer to home, so that maybe I can get back to work sooner, seeing as we are a one income family of course finances is a major issue espically since we just got dropped from insurance.....

Please pray for everything to fall into place. I read somewhere off someones status the other day that God wouldn't bring you to it if he couldn't bring you through it, and I know that to be true. Hoping we dont even have to go to it though, hee hee!

UGHHHH life gives you lemons....and the are rotten! Just my luck.

To Take Offense...

Okay so me and dad had an arguement today! Not the first and Im sure wont be the last. Oaybe I have a hard time expressing myself, maybe I am just nieve, but when someone says how are you doing, I think they really wanna know how your doing! Geesh!

I hate it when you can see something that the other person cant. I know they must think the same about me. They look at me and say, ugh why cant she see this is no good for her, or is she really that blind? But you know what? I say the same thing people! Why cant you see that?

Sometimes, I think we see it though. I know there are several things I see that "I should no better", and I choose to act ignorant or blind, for fear of losing something or not wanting to change something. Does that even make since? This is apperently one of those blogs your going to read and think..... WHAT???

SO to make ME happy, everyone please open your eyes and see things my way, this will help us to avoid further bligs like this? Is that really to much to ask people!

Abide the Law....

Ohhhh wow!!! Now this my friends is a movie. It had my attention the whole time! I was always wondering what was going to happen next! The only down fall was the language! Ugh one of my pet peeves is language and this for sure made you look around and check to make sure your kids wasnt there. Oh and Im not a Jamie Fox fan and hes in it, but he did ok...

Clyde Shelton (Gerald Butler) is an family man whose wife and daughter are brutally murdered during a robbery. When the killers are caught, Nick Rice (Jamie Foxx) is assigned to the case. Over his objections, Nick is forced by his boss to offer one of the suspects a light sentence in exchange for testifying against his partner.Yep you guessed it Clyde is FURIOUS! Fast forward ten years. The man who got away with murder is found dead and Clyde Shelton coolly admits his guilt. Then he issues a warning to Nick: Either fix the flawed justice system that failed his family, or key players in the trial will die.

Rating - R for strong bloody brutal violence and torture, a scene of rape and pervasive language. ** NO KIDS**

So I say........ Yay go buy it!!

Up In The Air...

Okay I'm a George Clooney fan to an extent but everytime i seen this advertise I said the same thing...."that's gonna be stupid". I'm not sure why but for some reason the appeal was not there.

Being a big movie guru I have rented out red box, I'm seriously running out of things to watch from there. I went ahead and rented it seeing as my choices were running slim, and okay get a pen ready, I was WRONG. The movie was cute. Now its not let go buy it and watch it everynight worthy but for a movie that you find yourself smiling at frequently this is for sure worth renting!

The movie is a bout a man, Ryan Bingham, a frequent flyer and corporate down sizer! Meaning he flys to you and fires you! But I must say if I had to get fired who better to do it! A very single alone man, who is relatively happy, meets the frequent flying woman of his dreams that he never really wished for. When his company becomes the one in jeopardy of shutting down, he takes a young business woman wanting to take over his position and gives her a taste of his world. If you think this is a case of single man meets single woman and lives happily ever after, well think again! Great story plot and wonderful actor!

Starring : George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman, Danny McBride

So I say.... Go rent it!

The Glue

So, me and mom was sitting around talking, and I informed her that I thought she (mom) was like my glue. She laughed not know what i meant so I went on to explain to her, that she was what held everyone together. I'm not sure what we will do without her if anything ever happens. To me glue keeps things together no matter what. She is what keeps our whole family close, she keeps things from falling apart.

By Definition glue means: a mixture that adheres or bonds items together. See it fits! Everyone needs a little glue in their life.

Now just so were clear, glue has cons as well as pros! Glue is messy, and you cant remove glue so your stuck with it! See can be bad!

LOL Funny as it is, I don't have a chance to thank my glue as much as I should,and let her know how much she is needed, so thank you glue for holding on when I cant, and for sticking on me no matter how many times I try to push you off! Hee Hee

In the Light

In The Light

I keep trying to find a life
On my own apart from you
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do


(Tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light

This desease of self runs through my blood (through my blood)
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every help on my behalf has failed
to bring this sickness under control


(So tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light

(BRIDGE)
Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth

(Tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light (2x)

[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be

Need You Now....

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Owen Thomas Rose

Yay, hes here, Welcome to the family lil O, or should I say BIG O! At a very nice size of 8 pounds and 9 oz and 20 inches long! Beautiful baby boy! Big O  has huge hands that wrap all the around your finger, and feet that stretch out long! Hes his daddys boy, a lil look alike Jeff, what more can you ask for he is just adorable. Sporting a head full of dark brown locks, he is sure to be a heartbreaker!

The experience did not go as smoothly as we would have liked this morning but through the whole process I have laughed so hard my sides hurt. Around 1:45 this morning Tara rang my phone, after just falling asleep I guess Im lucky I heard it. She said she thinks her water broke and she couldnt get ahold of mom. Before I knew it I was jumping up and headed to get mom UP!!! Well you all know mom so 2 hours later!!, we were on our way!

When we finally got to the hospital I suggested we park in the garage right beside the ER door but mom said no no no we have to go in the front door! After walking probably a mile straight up hill, and trying every door except the one I suggested, we ended up right back where I said and going through the ER door!! ( Just so you know it was freezing!!)

Finally getting to the floor where Tara was, mom thought she needed to go to the bathroom ( did I forget to mention she was sick with flu like symptoms!) After about 15 minutes I went looking for her to check and make sure she was okay, much to my surprise she was no where to be found, until I looked up and saw her coming out of the MENS room! I am not sure what was more funny seeing her coming out of the MENS room or her reaction when she finally relized that " OMG NO, the MENS room!"! Funny stuff I tell you!

At 4:04 our little, well big, bundle of joy arrives! We left to rush home for the kiddos and  all the way home she was crying! She was crying that when she got home she was going to cry!! Oh lord do we need some prayers!! She could probably use one too, hee hee!

What a fun filled day we had already, this is the day the Lord has made!! As rough as my days have been the last couple, Im sure he is happy to see me smiling, after all I would be to see my child smile again!

And as a Little present to see my lil sis, I have written her a song!
Water on the ground! Water on the Ground! Looking like a momma with your water on the ground!!!!!!

Who woulda thought....

Its been a long night, after such a bad day. Lots of thinking and wondering if i had done things differently where would I be at right now. The truth is I dont think i would go back and change a thing, even though some people I know would like to change a few things aboutwhere I have been and the directions that I have taken.

The truth is, I kinda like me. I mean I am a mom which is one of the things that I always wanted to be. I have a great career in a field I always knew I would be in. I have great friends who support me in what I do and chose even if isnt always the right or easy thing to do. I have a ongoing Faith even though I am very inquizitive when Im hurt. That to me is a pretty good foundation.

Sure to be rich and travel to foreign lands may be an addition I would like to add, you never know maybe one day. If you had ask me when I was 17 where I would be right now, I wont lie, I would not have said here. Maybe where I wanted to be wasnt where I was supposed to be. Maybe going through the trials that I have and am, allows me to be an example or at least a survivor.  Maybe where I am right now, is where i belonged all along...  hmmm.... Who woulda thought?

Where were you?

Dear God,

It was a bad day. I looked for you but in the midst of all the pain you were not there. Well, maybe you was but I didnt see you, I didnt feel you and I didnt hear you. Where were you, I needed you today.

I cired alot today. Things were hard, and I was weak. My heart broke today. Friendships were scar'd and relationships were torn apart. I broke today. Where were you, I needed you today.

Trust was broke today. Hard work was undone, years were set back, and disappoinment set in. My head hang low today. Now it just hurts and wont go away. Where were you? I needed you today.

Now that its quite and things are calmed down, I feel foolish and sad. I feel alone and mad. I think back on your promise that you will always be there and you will never leave me. I think back to your promise to never give me more than I can bear. Knowing who you are, almighty and powerful, loving and forgiving, trusting and kind,  I know that you must have been there; but where were you, because I needed you today.

signed, Broken

Need a Good Cry?

Wow, just finished watching A Travelers Wife. I have to admit at first I thought that it was gonna be a very silly movie, either hard to follow or unbelieveable. After reading the bad rating and stars it got, I was pretty sure I was going to be right, it seems like no one liked it. 

I guess Im just wierd because I thought it was a very good movie, and Im not so sure you need to be able to believe it to actually enjoy it. I think it beings up many topics you can discuss and many points people think about in its own way. Would it be worth knowing what was going to happen? Who you was going to marry? When you was going to die? Or would it be harder to let go? I am still undecided because it kinda showed good and bad points to both sides! Either way it gave you those moments to smile to, many moements to cry to, and an over all "I could watch this again feeling".

No matter what the critics say, no matter who dont like this movie I am pro time travel now ;)

What I know

I dont claim to have all the answers. I am not a perfect person. There are things however, that I know for sure.

The things that I know for sure are not many. I know that the most important thing in this world to me are my 3 precious babies. I know that the day Mariah was born, what it would be like to give your life for someone. I also learned that I was going to have my hands full. When Jordan was born I learned that no matter how hard and how difficult something may be, it is worth it. When Hannah was born I learned that not everything was difficult, and that no matter how small the package, the joy could be overflowing.

God trusted me to choose right and teach right for these 3 little miracles, if I mess up if I dont get things right there is no do-overs. Pray for me and I will pray for you, in the world we live in now, we all need it!

Not so "Precious"

Its very early right now. Troy ( my patient) is still asleep. We watched a movie tonight that I didn't care for at all, Precious.It being nominated for 6 academy awards I just knew it was going to be an amazing movie, after all Avatar was wonderful and they went on about this movie to. Much to my surprise it was not anything like I expected. 
 
I started watching this expecting to see a story about an uneducated woman who goes above and beyond any and all expectations that anyone had for her. In the story you really see all her struggles and her achievements that she strives for, but the story plat was so horrid that I spent most of my time thinking about what she was going through and about how awful people are, I didn't even notice her accomplishments. 
 
The story which included incest, rape, physical and emotional abuse left my stomach so upset that I actually recommend against this movie. I will never watch this movie again, and I think it spent so much time focusing on the negative we never fully seen the positive. The only thing I will say is the actress that played the mother in the movie had to go to such a dark place to get into this actually role that I'm sure she had to go to some major therapy afterwards!

Blah Blah Blah

Just got home from work. It was a pretty quiet night. Wednesday nights are my quiet nights. On nights when I'm with Ronnie I set his o2 machine do a full assessment and then catch up on all my shows that I have missed through the week! Wednesday nights I get a chance to catch up on which guy Kate is siding with this week, Sawyer or Jack, even though for me I have only one side and that would be Sawyers side! I get a chance to see Mcdreamy pretend hes a good chief when all along we all know eventually life on planet Grey will correct itself and we will soon get some normalcy back. I get to fuss about why they continue to keep Paige off of idol around! Come on people! My list goes on and on. I am a tv freak!You name it I probably watch it. I am so excited to see V and Fringe come back on this week!

I'm not a blogger, so I am going to be upfront about it and honest. I'm not even sure the purpose of blogging. I know that all my life I have had a diary and wrote down thing about how I feel. Getting the deep sad things out has always made me feel lighter and not so stressed, being able to argue and yell on paper about things I don't like or disagree with has also given me a since of relief. So that being said we are going to give this a try.
Its close to 8:00 and I'm getting rather tired so I guess now would be a good time to turn in. Night People!