Looks like its going to be another lax day around here. We don't have many plans, with it being memorial day and all that's a lil surprising, but with everything going on I'm not sure I could take the traffic.
We got ballgames this evening with the girlies, and then may go rent movies and lay around and watch them, that sure sounds fun, but we'll see what happens.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wasted days :)
Wow such a boring day, I love it! We did a whole lot of nothing! I went to sleep about 10 and got up at 1 and we watching the race until about 11 and then went to bed. Now for some of you that think thats a wasted day, well you are soooo wrong! It was the best most relaxed day that I have had in a very long time. Just me and the fam hanging out!
Wonder if we can do it again tomorrow!
Wonder if we can do it again tomorrow!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Hanging in there
Had a little bit of a rough day today, which is a lil crazy considering i slept most of it. Things in my life are slowly getting better, not because they actually are but because I'm not letting things bother me so easily anymore. I have changed my whole thoughts on life over the last couple of weeks and am dealing with the fact that we are in control of our own happiness. Seeing as like to be right all the time, I can deal with this. Because after all its you that is in control of your feelings. When you feel hurt, you can change your feelings, when you feel hate you can change those as well.
I guess I'm dealing with being overwhelmed right now. Which is a bit difficult to change, considering if you try to change that, the things your overwhelmed with still are there. I read an interesting quote today "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on". I guess that's where I am, at the end of my rope. Some people are having a hard time with me right now because they have a different way of handling things. That's okay though, I'm happier.
i wish that i could make people just see things my way. Not so much as agree with me and the way things I'm doing just be able to see and say " hey, I see what your doing". It is so empowering and lonely at the same time when you step away from your old ways, because in your old ways you left behind those who you were closest to. You just hope that one day they will walk beside you in the idea that your your on person, with your own mind, and you have the ability to make your on decisions.
So I'm just hanging here on the end of my rope for now ;)
I guess I'm dealing with being overwhelmed right now. Which is a bit difficult to change, considering if you try to change that, the things your overwhelmed with still are there. I read an interesting quote today "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on". I guess that's where I am, at the end of my rope. Some people are having a hard time with me right now because they have a different way of handling things. That's okay though, I'm happier.
i wish that i could make people just see things my way. Not so much as agree with me and the way things I'm doing just be able to see and say " hey, I see what your doing". It is so empowering and lonely at the same time when you step away from your old ways, because in your old ways you left behind those who you were closest to. You just hope that one day they will walk beside you in the idea that your your on person, with your own mind, and you have the ability to make your on decisions.
So I'm just hanging here on the end of my rope for now ;)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Just another day.
So Jordan has not been having very good days, he seems to feel awful anymore. Were just hanging in there till our next appointment with Dr Kendall. He seems to be throwing up anymore alot which he wasn't able to do. Every since they dilated him he seems worse.
Fer had his appointment today with Lisa his Life Coach. That's what their calling her now. I loved the fact that she let me come back there with him and seem to really understand me. She seemed to be able to communicate with Fer and let him know how i was feeling in a way he seems to be totally accepting to which was great. He said very nice things about me in there, I'm not sure if that was to make me feel better or because that was what he genuinely wanted me to know.
He has to keep calling the CSU to try to get into the rehab program they have there for 21 days, hes still doing AA meetings even though the last couple days he has made an excuse not to go which kinda concerns me. He has an appointment with The Dr at the Helen Ross Mcnabb center on the 9th and with the Social Security Office on the 10th, so things are moving along quickly. I think that's good for him, seeing things rolling along.
The Girls softball got rained out which really sucks because I had someone agree to work over for me so I could watch all of Mariah's game this time. Seems like my luck!
Well off to work again, just another day.
Fer had his appointment today with Lisa his Life Coach. That's what their calling her now. I loved the fact that she let me come back there with him and seem to really understand me. She seemed to be able to communicate with Fer and let him know how i was feeling in a way he seems to be totally accepting to which was great. He said very nice things about me in there, I'm not sure if that was to make me feel better or because that was what he genuinely wanted me to know.
He has to keep calling the CSU to try to get into the rehab program they have there for 21 days, hes still doing AA meetings even though the last couple days he has made an excuse not to go which kinda concerns me. He has an appointment with The Dr at the Helen Ross Mcnabb center on the 9th and with the Social Security Office on the 10th, so things are moving along quickly. I think that's good for him, seeing things rolling along.
The Girls softball got rained out which really sucks because I had someone agree to work over for me so I could watch all of Mariah's game this time. Seems like my luck!
Well off to work again, just another day.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Just a lil Laugh
So one of the things I am learning is that through all the hard things we have to either laugh or cry... so today i choose to laugh. Here are a few jokes that I saw...
For all us co dependants out there...
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine.
The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
For all the AA and alanon goers:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o’clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory" says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the stoner replies.
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
For all us co dependants out there...
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine.
The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
For all the AA and alanon goers:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o’clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory" says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the stoner replies.
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So Not Happy
Fer had an appointment today at this new life coach's place in Knoxville. We were up there nearly 2 and a half hours before we were told she wasn't in. Do you know how angry I was! We had asked numerous times how much longer and it wasn't until we was there for 2 hours that someone actually started looking into things!
When we got home the kids had got new bath suits. Oh my lord at Mariahs, it was this lime green string bikini. Yep, I about flipped out. Mom actually said that's how there making them now?? Oh no! there is no way my lil girls going out in that now, I don't care how old shes getting and if it was in the juniors section or not. I simply laughed and said " um, I don't even think so", yea so she wasn't happy, but that's okay if it means my 12 year old, stays a 12 year old!
Wow what is this world coming to, whatever happen to modesty! Yeah I had a pretty not so good day but its sorta like that Kurt Franklin song says " aint no one gonna take my Joy away". I'm liking this little constant happy dance I'm in now!
When we got home the kids had got new bath suits. Oh my lord at Mariahs, it was this lime green string bikini. Yep, I about flipped out. Mom actually said that's how there making them now?? Oh no! there is no way my lil girls going out in that now, I don't care how old shes getting and if it was in the juniors section or not. I simply laughed and said " um, I don't even think so", yea so she wasn't happy, but that's okay if it means my 12 year old, stays a 12 year old!
Wow what is this world coming to, whatever happen to modesty! Yeah I had a pretty not so good day but its sorta like that Kurt Franklin song says " aint no one gonna take my Joy away". I'm liking this little constant happy dance I'm in now!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Meditations, Procedures, and Sesame Street???
I have to tell you what my girls said last night. Mariah seen me reading my new meditation book. and was like wow mom does that mean your going to sit with your legs crossed and say olmmmm with your eeys closed, when I left I guess that Hannah thought it was wrong because she matter of factly said no Mariah silly, meditation is where your float up in the air. I think I about died laughing so hard, they both just stared blankly!
Wow talk about a great cheer up last night! Man I love my babies. Ball games tonight with Hannah. Yea! That is about all I have to do today, ugh that means my day is going to creep by, espically with me thinking about Jordans procedure tomorrow, which is full blown surgery in my opinion. After all he will be put to sleep and they will be doing an invasive procedure, how much more surgery like can you get. HELLO?? When I think about this I get sick, ugh I can imagine how hes feeling.
My new life motto wont seem to let me dwell on this very long. Fake it till ya make it right? Therefor I sing loudly.... "Sunny Days, chasing the clouds away, can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street" hee hee! One day at a time!
Wow talk about a great cheer up last night! Man I love my babies. Ball games tonight with Hannah. Yea! That is about all I have to do today, ugh that means my day is going to creep by, espically with me thinking about Jordans procedure tomorrow, which is full blown surgery in my opinion. After all he will be put to sleep and they will be doing an invasive procedure, how much more surgery like can you get. HELLO?? When I think about this I get sick, ugh I can imagine how hes feeling.
My new life motto wont seem to let me dwell on this very long. Fake it till ya make it right? Therefor I sing loudly.... "Sunny Days, chasing the clouds away, can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street" hee hee! One day at a time!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Changing Plans
So today was a big day, Fer was released form detox. The plan was to take him straight from the place in Knoxville down to Nashville where he would enter his rehab program. Things never seem to work out the way I plan for them to, That's part of this wonderful luck that I seem to have lol.
So they cant see him without him first getting in to rehab to see his regular psych doctor I guess is what there saying which is absolutely frustrating! He called his case work whom he seems to be infatuated with, Lisa. She is having to be at the hospital with her mom tomorrow because she is having knee surgery ( this plays into some more luck of mine). So the soonest she will be able to see him is on Thursday!
Trying to decide where he could stay until the mean time is going to be hard because I don't want him to fall back into the same patterns he has been in before he went to detox, because well, all this would have been for nothing.
On a lighter note he seems to be happy... I mean he still is very depressed but he seems to be excited on his new venture in life. I guess we will see how long that lasts ;)
Mom handled things better than I thought she would. Yea sure, she asked over and over again, I thought he was going to rehab and I told her the same things I was told by him as I heard them. She like me just inst understanding. I guess from our point of you we want to scream " their finally saying they need help, HELP THEM".
Our screams however dont seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear though.
And on a lighter note I still ha vent got to see the finale of lost!!! It kept freezing up on the computer that night and as soon as I got in the car they were talking about purgatory, which I turned because on of my theories involved purgatory so omg if that's how lost ends I'm going to be so mad that I heard about it before hand!! I don't think I will even have time to watch it before I go back into work. I will say however that OI am hearing mixxed feelings about it, some loved it some hated it. I just hope its not another Prison Break ending where you hope so bad for them to finally be able to lie happily ever after and then He dies, WTH ( what the heck ;) ).
Oh well live learn and then get luvs, right?
So they cant see him without him first getting in to rehab to see his regular psych doctor I guess is what there saying which is absolutely frustrating! He called his case work whom he seems to be infatuated with, Lisa. She is having to be at the hospital with her mom tomorrow because she is having knee surgery ( this plays into some more luck of mine). So the soonest she will be able to see him is on Thursday!
Trying to decide where he could stay until the mean time is going to be hard because I don't want him to fall back into the same patterns he has been in before he went to detox, because well, all this would have been for nothing.
On a lighter note he seems to be happy... I mean he still is very depressed but he seems to be excited on his new venture in life. I guess we will see how long that lasts ;)
Mom handled things better than I thought she would. Yea sure, she asked over and over again, I thought he was going to rehab and I told her the same things I was told by him as I heard them. She like me just inst understanding. I guess from our point of you we want to scream " their finally saying they need help, HELP THEM".
Our screams however dont seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear though.
And on a lighter note I still ha vent got to see the finale of lost!!! It kept freezing up on the computer that night and as soon as I got in the car they were talking about purgatory, which I turned because on of my theories involved purgatory so omg if that's how lost ends I'm going to be so mad that I heard about it before hand!! I don't think I will even have time to watch it before I go back into work. I will say however that OI am hearing mixxed feelings about it, some loved it some hated it. I just hope its not another Prison Break ending where you hope so bad for them to finally be able to lie happily ever after and then He dies, WTH ( what the heck ;) ).
Oh well live learn and then get luvs, right?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Life after Lost
SO I sadly say, tonight is it..... Life without Lost! Can you even imagine? 6 years has gone bye, so many unanswered questions all summed up in the last 2 hours of unarguably the best hour on televisions! Bittersweet for sure. No more Sawyer nicknames, no more Hurley positive attitude, no more Locke like faith and no more litterly factual Jack. Yes friends, its okay to be sad and even tear up at the the thought of no more smoke monsters and pretty glowing lights. Its okay to sigh and the fact we no longer have to figure out what the whispering voices are saying.
We all knew it would eventually happen, but who knew the time would go by so quickly, pure entertainment I tell you!! For the past few years we have lived by the motto to live together or die alone, what will come of our Tuesday nights now.
I have read so many theory's on how this will end, and I don't have a clue how it will, all I know is I don't want this to be a dream, someone waking up from a coma, or Hurley and one of his "crazy" storys! One thing is for sure, this show like prison break will be deeply missed!!
We all knew it would eventually happen, but who knew the time would go by so quickly, pure entertainment I tell you!! For the past few years we have lived by the motto to live together or die alone, what will come of our Tuesday nights now.
I have read so many theory's on how this will end, and I don't have a clue how it will, all I know is I don't want this to be a dream, someone waking up from a coma, or Hurley and one of his "crazy" storys! One thing is for sure, this show like prison break will be deeply missed!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Quite days
What a long night at work..... I hate nights like these. been talking on this step chat to some new friends I am making. I stopped by the book store on the way in and picked up some alanon books so that on my down moments here I will have something to do.
Ferlin was transfered to the other side today, the side where they can get him on the meds that he needs. He seems to really be doing okay. I mean he sounds week and tired, and is easily irritated, but for the most part he sounds good.
Jordan had a good day yesterday too. The girls did the softball thing. All in all it seemed to be a pretty quite day, and sometimes days like that its great!
Ferlin was transfered to the other side today, the side where they can get him on the meds that he needs. He seems to really be doing okay. I mean he sounds week and tired, and is easily irritated, but for the most part he sounds good.
Jordan had a good day yesterday too. The girls did the softball thing. All in all it seemed to be a pretty quite day, and sometimes days like that its great!
Ups and Downs of Life
Ups and Downs of Life
A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong.
School, family problems, severe health problems, etc..
Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her
grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
" Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these
things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him
and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"
A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong.
School, family problems, severe health problems, etc..
Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her
grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
" Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these
things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him
and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"
Broken Toys
Broken Toys
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."
Dear Friend
great find on an alanon site.
Dear Friend,
How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were talking with your friends. I waited all day hoping you would talk to me, too. I gave you a sunset to chase your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me- but I still love you because I am your friend.
I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, waiting to rush down so we could talk.
I have so many gifts for you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing. I clothe you in warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you
Is deeper then the ocean and bigger then the biggest need in your heart.
Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you
I have chosen you and I will wait for you.
Your friend,
I love you!
Jesus
Dear Friend,
How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were talking with your friends. I waited all day hoping you would talk to me, too. I gave you a sunset to chase your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me- but I still love you because I am your friend.
I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, waiting to rush down so we could talk.
I have so many gifts for you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing. I clothe you in warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you
Is deeper then the ocean and bigger then the biggest need in your heart.
Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you
I have chosen you and I will wait for you.
Your friend,
I love you!
Jesus
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Are you Codependant?
why yes I think I am.....I am learning in Alanon that these fit hand in hand some times, this is not the complete list of traits but the complete list can be found @ http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Just another day
I am feeling pretty cruddy today. I havent been sick in a while, but there is something about today that is just making me feel blah, all my bones are achy, im chilling and I am so super tired.
There isnt alot that has went on in my day today, kids actually did there work good today, and I watched my neice and nephew today. I talked to ferlin this morning at 7 and again at 6 tonight. He has to rush to get everything in he wants to say to me and the kids, and for somereason I am still sinceing some kind of attitude he has. I know that this was a big step for him, but he is still very short with his answers and seems to anger very easily.
They have him on so much medicine up there I am just wondering after they detx him from the drugs and alchocol if they will need to detox him for all that, hmm, just dont make alot of since to me. He seems to be hitting some kind of depression that he went into before, and on Friday they will be transfering him to the other side to where he will be put back on his normal meds, hopefully that will help with that.
I am trying to adjust to this new life about me and the kids, I cant help but feel a little relief when he isnt around. I love him so much and I hope with everything that I has that he is able to beat his addiction and be the kind of dad that God has meant for him to be.
I guess right now my biggest struggle is my family, no one seems to understand me, and why I continue to hold out hope. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I wish that I felt like I had a little support though, seems like that would make it easier on me. The last things these babies want is a broken family, and you would thank that they would try to understand that. I talked alot about that today in an alanon class and all they could tell me is that I have to listen to me, I just wish I could fgure out what "me" was saying. I know with all there hidden comments and feelings about it, I am learning very quickly that I cant talk with them, so I will keep my feelings to myself. It would be awesome to be bale to have them to talk to but I am learning that there agenda is not the same to them. Which I am trying to understand, and I do in a way. They are the ones that have seen me hurt, and for that Im sorry, but people do change, and I am just so glad that God didnt give up on me while I was changing!
Ugh, well I guess I am going to head and lay down! Got a big day tomorrow, gonna go talk about 4 h camp, yep I am thinking about letting Mariah go. Thats a whole week!!! I am so proud of me!
There isnt alot that has went on in my day today, kids actually did there work good today, and I watched my neice and nephew today. I talked to ferlin this morning at 7 and again at 6 tonight. He has to rush to get everything in he wants to say to me and the kids, and for somereason I am still sinceing some kind of attitude he has. I know that this was a big step for him, but he is still very short with his answers and seems to anger very easily.
They have him on so much medicine up there I am just wondering after they detx him from the drugs and alchocol if they will need to detox him for all that, hmm, just dont make alot of since to me. He seems to be hitting some kind of depression that he went into before, and on Friday they will be transfering him to the other side to where he will be put back on his normal meds, hopefully that will help with that.
I am trying to adjust to this new life about me and the kids, I cant help but feel a little relief when he isnt around. I love him so much and I hope with everything that I has that he is able to beat his addiction and be the kind of dad that God has meant for him to be.
I guess right now my biggest struggle is my family, no one seems to understand me, and why I continue to hold out hope. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I wish that I felt like I had a little support though, seems like that would make it easier on me. The last things these babies want is a broken family, and you would thank that they would try to understand that. I talked alot about that today in an alanon class and all they could tell me is that I have to listen to me, I just wish I could fgure out what "me" was saying. I know with all there hidden comments and feelings about it, I am learning very quickly that I cant talk with them, so I will keep my feelings to myself. It would be awesome to be bale to have them to talk to but I am learning that there agenda is not the same to them. Which I am trying to understand, and I do in a way. They are the ones that have seen me hurt, and for that Im sorry, but people do change, and I am just so glad that God didnt give up on me while I was changing!
Ugh, well I guess I am going to head and lay down! Got a big day tomorrow, gonna go talk about 4 h camp, yep I am thinking about letting Mariah go. Thats a whole week!!! I am so proud of me!
The Alanon Prayer
The Alanon Prayer
Dear God, I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance. I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today. Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best.
Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better, to love You more. I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out
Lord, teach me patience, and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You, You will be there to help me.
Dear God, I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance. I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today. Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best.
Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better, to love You more. I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out
Lord, teach me patience, and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You, You will be there to help me.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Update on Jordan
Went to the doctor for the first time, after getting back from Nashville. He is doing tremendously better but still has his bad days! I told the Dr that we would take him being sick 3 days instead of 7 any day! Our doctor is determined to get him 100 % better! So he has a dilitation appointment on the 26th, to have the fundoplication stretched again. Please keep him in your prayers for the procedure, although it is not nearly as extensive as the big surgery, they still have to put him to sleep, and no matter how small that may be a mom still worries! I will keep you updated!
Letting Go Takes Love
Awesome new poem someone sent me in my alanon group, now if I can just remember it all !
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hitting Bottom
So ferlin came to the house early this morning while we were headed to the library. He said "I have a problem". They teach you in alanon that is the first step for them, but to be careful not to fall back into the fixit mode. I simply told Ferlin ok, what are you going to do about it. SOOO proud of ME! He found a place a few hours later that said they would take him in for Detox.
I drove him up there, boy was that a trip! Fussin the whole way from him, I just went in to my I cant fix him zone and happily sang along with the radio. When he threw up I wont go then, I simply said well thats up to you! After all he wasnt doing me any favors!
Sooo heres where we are, he entered detox this morning, while in there they are trying to get him into a rehab program where he will go 28 days, then he should be able to come home or go to a halfway house for 90 days. As much as this is about him and Im trying to change my focus to me, hearing him say he had a problem and finally getting the help that everyone knows he needs, makes me do my happy dance, just a little one on the inside, but im still doing it.
I drove him up there, boy was that a trip! Fussin the whole way from him, I just went in to my I cant fix him zone and happily sang along with the radio. When he threw up I wont go then, I simply said well thats up to you! After all he wasnt doing me any favors!
Sooo heres where we are, he entered detox this morning, while in there they are trying to get him into a rehab program where he will go 28 days, then he should be able to come home or go to a halfway house for 90 days. As much as this is about him and Im trying to change my focus to me, hearing him say he had a problem and finally getting the help that everyone knows he needs, makes me do my happy dance, just a little one on the inside, but im still doing it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The man in the glass
The Man In The Glass .
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The invisible mom
got this from a homeschool loop its awesome
Invisible Mother.....
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been
added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Invisible Mother.....
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been
added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Just Push Play!
So over the past two months I have struggled with a very sick son, not leting the kids fall behind in school, still keeping up a full time schedule and trying to "fix" Fer. I have came to the conclusion that I cant do it. I ran into a friend who introduced me to an online alanon meeting since i never have any time to go to a face to face meeting.
Today was day 1 atthe meeting and I tell you what the first day has completely changed my life! I have learned so much in this class, I think I will go every day! I feel so not alone there! These people have been through the exact same things I am going through, they have wonderful advice, and ways to change my thoughts from fixing him and onto fixing me. I am going to start working on the same steps that he is working on, and just apply them to my life. I have to give up the "fix it mottos" that I have and start trying to just move on.
For so many months now I feel like I have been on pause, well its time to push play!
TOnight I learned two or three of the cheesiest saying but they have really stuck with me, I was so focused on him, the say " hocus pocus change your focus" and I told them going through the day smileing makes me feel like im lieing to myself because on the inside I dont feel that way, they say " fake it till you make it "!
I sent ferlin a text letting him know that I loved him, and I hope he gets things right, so now all I can do is find the courage to push play!
Today was day 1 atthe meeting and I tell you what the first day has completely changed my life! I have learned so much in this class, I think I will go every day! I feel so not alone there! These people have been through the exact same things I am going through, they have wonderful advice, and ways to change my thoughts from fixing him and onto fixing me. I am going to start working on the same steps that he is working on, and just apply them to my life. I have to give up the "fix it mottos" that I have and start trying to just move on.
For so many months now I feel like I have been on pause, well its time to push play!
TOnight I learned two or three of the cheesiest saying but they have really stuck with me, I was so focused on him, the say " hocus pocus change your focus" and I told them going through the day smileing makes me feel like im lieing to myself because on the inside I dont feel that way, they say " fake it till you make it "!
I sent ferlin a text letting him know that I loved him, and I hope he gets things right, so now all I can do is find the courage to push play!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Okay so I havent blogged in a while, we have been so busy with jordan. I thought I would catch up now. So we made it to Vandi and the doctors were amazing. We had a doctor in there so much i was kinda getting sick of them, total opposite from UT. They of course had alot more tests to run.
They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.
After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.
We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!
They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.
After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.
We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!
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