Sunday, July 4, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
No plans....
Looks like its going to be another lax day around here. We don't have many plans, with it being memorial day and all that's a lil surprising, but with everything going on I'm not sure I could take the traffic.
We got ballgames this evening with the girlies, and then may go rent movies and lay around and watch them, that sure sounds fun, but we'll see what happens.
We got ballgames this evening with the girlies, and then may go rent movies and lay around and watch them, that sure sounds fun, but we'll see what happens.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wasted days :)
Wow such a boring day, I love it! We did a whole lot of nothing! I went to sleep about 10 and got up at 1 and we watching the race until about 11 and then went to bed. Now for some of you that think thats a wasted day, well you are soooo wrong! It was the best most relaxed day that I have had in a very long time. Just me and the fam hanging out!
Wonder if we can do it again tomorrow!
Wonder if we can do it again tomorrow!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Hanging in there
Had a little bit of a rough day today, which is a lil crazy considering i slept most of it. Things in my life are slowly getting better, not because they actually are but because I'm not letting things bother me so easily anymore. I have changed my whole thoughts on life over the last couple of weeks and am dealing with the fact that we are in control of our own happiness. Seeing as like to be right all the time, I can deal with this. Because after all its you that is in control of your feelings. When you feel hurt, you can change your feelings, when you feel hate you can change those as well.
I guess I'm dealing with being overwhelmed right now. Which is a bit difficult to change, considering if you try to change that, the things your overwhelmed with still are there. I read an interesting quote today "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on". I guess that's where I am, at the end of my rope. Some people are having a hard time with me right now because they have a different way of handling things. That's okay though, I'm happier.
i wish that i could make people just see things my way. Not so much as agree with me and the way things I'm doing just be able to see and say " hey, I see what your doing". It is so empowering and lonely at the same time when you step away from your old ways, because in your old ways you left behind those who you were closest to. You just hope that one day they will walk beside you in the idea that your your on person, with your own mind, and you have the ability to make your on decisions.
So I'm just hanging here on the end of my rope for now ;)
I guess I'm dealing with being overwhelmed right now. Which is a bit difficult to change, considering if you try to change that, the things your overwhelmed with still are there. I read an interesting quote today "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on". I guess that's where I am, at the end of my rope. Some people are having a hard time with me right now because they have a different way of handling things. That's okay though, I'm happier.
i wish that i could make people just see things my way. Not so much as agree with me and the way things I'm doing just be able to see and say " hey, I see what your doing". It is so empowering and lonely at the same time when you step away from your old ways, because in your old ways you left behind those who you were closest to. You just hope that one day they will walk beside you in the idea that your your on person, with your own mind, and you have the ability to make your on decisions.
So I'm just hanging here on the end of my rope for now ;)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Just another day.
So Jordan has not been having very good days, he seems to feel awful anymore. Were just hanging in there till our next appointment with Dr Kendall. He seems to be throwing up anymore alot which he wasn't able to do. Every since they dilated him he seems worse.
Fer had his appointment today with Lisa his Life Coach. That's what their calling her now. I loved the fact that she let me come back there with him and seem to really understand me. She seemed to be able to communicate with Fer and let him know how i was feeling in a way he seems to be totally accepting to which was great. He said very nice things about me in there, I'm not sure if that was to make me feel better or because that was what he genuinely wanted me to know.
He has to keep calling the CSU to try to get into the rehab program they have there for 21 days, hes still doing AA meetings even though the last couple days he has made an excuse not to go which kinda concerns me. He has an appointment with The Dr at the Helen Ross Mcnabb center on the 9th and with the Social Security Office on the 10th, so things are moving along quickly. I think that's good for him, seeing things rolling along.
The Girls softball got rained out which really sucks because I had someone agree to work over for me so I could watch all of Mariah's game this time. Seems like my luck!
Well off to work again, just another day.
Fer had his appointment today with Lisa his Life Coach. That's what their calling her now. I loved the fact that she let me come back there with him and seem to really understand me. She seemed to be able to communicate with Fer and let him know how i was feeling in a way he seems to be totally accepting to which was great. He said very nice things about me in there, I'm not sure if that was to make me feel better or because that was what he genuinely wanted me to know.
He has to keep calling the CSU to try to get into the rehab program they have there for 21 days, hes still doing AA meetings even though the last couple days he has made an excuse not to go which kinda concerns me. He has an appointment with The Dr at the Helen Ross Mcnabb center on the 9th and with the Social Security Office on the 10th, so things are moving along quickly. I think that's good for him, seeing things rolling along.
The Girls softball got rained out which really sucks because I had someone agree to work over for me so I could watch all of Mariah's game this time. Seems like my luck!
Well off to work again, just another day.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Just a lil Laugh
So one of the things I am learning is that through all the hard things we have to either laugh or cry... so today i choose to laugh. Here are a few jokes that I saw...
For all us co dependants out there...
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine.
The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
For all the AA and alanon goers:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o’clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory" says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the stoner replies.
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
For all us co dependants out there...
Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine.
The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."
For all the AA and alanon goers:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o’clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory" says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the stoner replies.
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So Not Happy
Fer had an appointment today at this new life coach's place in Knoxville. We were up there nearly 2 and a half hours before we were told she wasn't in. Do you know how angry I was! We had asked numerous times how much longer and it wasn't until we was there for 2 hours that someone actually started looking into things!
When we got home the kids had got new bath suits. Oh my lord at Mariahs, it was this lime green string bikini. Yep, I about flipped out. Mom actually said that's how there making them now?? Oh no! there is no way my lil girls going out in that now, I don't care how old shes getting and if it was in the juniors section or not. I simply laughed and said " um, I don't even think so", yea so she wasn't happy, but that's okay if it means my 12 year old, stays a 12 year old!
Wow what is this world coming to, whatever happen to modesty! Yeah I had a pretty not so good day but its sorta like that Kurt Franklin song says " aint no one gonna take my Joy away". I'm liking this little constant happy dance I'm in now!
When we got home the kids had got new bath suits. Oh my lord at Mariahs, it was this lime green string bikini. Yep, I about flipped out. Mom actually said that's how there making them now?? Oh no! there is no way my lil girls going out in that now, I don't care how old shes getting and if it was in the juniors section or not. I simply laughed and said " um, I don't even think so", yea so she wasn't happy, but that's okay if it means my 12 year old, stays a 12 year old!
Wow what is this world coming to, whatever happen to modesty! Yeah I had a pretty not so good day but its sorta like that Kurt Franklin song says " aint no one gonna take my Joy away". I'm liking this little constant happy dance I'm in now!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Meditations, Procedures, and Sesame Street???
I have to tell you what my girls said last night. Mariah seen me reading my new meditation book. and was like wow mom does that mean your going to sit with your legs crossed and say olmmmm with your eeys closed, when I left I guess that Hannah thought it was wrong because she matter of factly said no Mariah silly, meditation is where your float up in the air. I think I about died laughing so hard, they both just stared blankly!
Wow talk about a great cheer up last night! Man I love my babies. Ball games tonight with Hannah. Yea! That is about all I have to do today, ugh that means my day is going to creep by, espically with me thinking about Jordans procedure tomorrow, which is full blown surgery in my opinion. After all he will be put to sleep and they will be doing an invasive procedure, how much more surgery like can you get. HELLO?? When I think about this I get sick, ugh I can imagine how hes feeling.
My new life motto wont seem to let me dwell on this very long. Fake it till ya make it right? Therefor I sing loudly.... "Sunny Days, chasing the clouds away, can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street" hee hee! One day at a time!
Wow talk about a great cheer up last night! Man I love my babies. Ball games tonight with Hannah. Yea! That is about all I have to do today, ugh that means my day is going to creep by, espically with me thinking about Jordans procedure tomorrow, which is full blown surgery in my opinion. After all he will be put to sleep and they will be doing an invasive procedure, how much more surgery like can you get. HELLO?? When I think about this I get sick, ugh I can imagine how hes feeling.
My new life motto wont seem to let me dwell on this very long. Fake it till ya make it right? Therefor I sing loudly.... "Sunny Days, chasing the clouds away, can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street" hee hee! One day at a time!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Changing Plans
So today was a big day, Fer was released form detox. The plan was to take him straight from the place in Knoxville down to Nashville where he would enter his rehab program. Things never seem to work out the way I plan for them to, That's part of this wonderful luck that I seem to have lol.
So they cant see him without him first getting in to rehab to see his regular psych doctor I guess is what there saying which is absolutely frustrating! He called his case work whom he seems to be infatuated with, Lisa. She is having to be at the hospital with her mom tomorrow because she is having knee surgery ( this plays into some more luck of mine). So the soonest she will be able to see him is on Thursday!
Trying to decide where he could stay until the mean time is going to be hard because I don't want him to fall back into the same patterns he has been in before he went to detox, because well, all this would have been for nothing.
On a lighter note he seems to be happy... I mean he still is very depressed but he seems to be excited on his new venture in life. I guess we will see how long that lasts ;)
Mom handled things better than I thought she would. Yea sure, she asked over and over again, I thought he was going to rehab and I told her the same things I was told by him as I heard them. She like me just inst understanding. I guess from our point of you we want to scream " their finally saying they need help, HELP THEM".
Our screams however dont seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear though.
And on a lighter note I still ha vent got to see the finale of lost!!! It kept freezing up on the computer that night and as soon as I got in the car they were talking about purgatory, which I turned because on of my theories involved purgatory so omg if that's how lost ends I'm going to be so mad that I heard about it before hand!! I don't think I will even have time to watch it before I go back into work. I will say however that OI am hearing mixxed feelings about it, some loved it some hated it. I just hope its not another Prison Break ending where you hope so bad for them to finally be able to lie happily ever after and then He dies, WTH ( what the heck ;) ).
Oh well live learn and then get luvs, right?
So they cant see him without him first getting in to rehab to see his regular psych doctor I guess is what there saying which is absolutely frustrating! He called his case work whom he seems to be infatuated with, Lisa. She is having to be at the hospital with her mom tomorrow because she is having knee surgery ( this plays into some more luck of mine). So the soonest she will be able to see him is on Thursday!
Trying to decide where he could stay until the mean time is going to be hard because I don't want him to fall back into the same patterns he has been in before he went to detox, because well, all this would have been for nothing.
On a lighter note he seems to be happy... I mean he still is very depressed but he seems to be excited on his new venture in life. I guess we will see how long that lasts ;)
Mom handled things better than I thought she would. Yea sure, she asked over and over again, I thought he was going to rehab and I told her the same things I was told by him as I heard them. She like me just inst understanding. I guess from our point of you we want to scream " their finally saying they need help, HELP THEM".
Our screams however dont seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear though.
And on a lighter note I still ha vent got to see the finale of lost!!! It kept freezing up on the computer that night and as soon as I got in the car they were talking about purgatory, which I turned because on of my theories involved purgatory so omg if that's how lost ends I'm going to be so mad that I heard about it before hand!! I don't think I will even have time to watch it before I go back into work. I will say however that OI am hearing mixxed feelings about it, some loved it some hated it. I just hope its not another Prison Break ending where you hope so bad for them to finally be able to lie happily ever after and then He dies, WTH ( what the heck ;) ).
Oh well live learn and then get luvs, right?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Life after Lost
SO I sadly say, tonight is it..... Life without Lost! Can you even imagine? 6 years has gone bye, so many unanswered questions all summed up in the last 2 hours of unarguably the best hour on televisions! Bittersweet for sure. No more Sawyer nicknames, no more Hurley positive attitude, no more Locke like faith and no more litterly factual Jack. Yes friends, its okay to be sad and even tear up at the the thought of no more smoke monsters and pretty glowing lights. Its okay to sigh and the fact we no longer have to figure out what the whispering voices are saying.
We all knew it would eventually happen, but who knew the time would go by so quickly, pure entertainment I tell you!! For the past few years we have lived by the motto to live together or die alone, what will come of our Tuesday nights now.
I have read so many theory's on how this will end, and I don't have a clue how it will, all I know is I don't want this to be a dream, someone waking up from a coma, or Hurley and one of his "crazy" storys! One thing is for sure, this show like prison break will be deeply missed!!
We all knew it would eventually happen, but who knew the time would go by so quickly, pure entertainment I tell you!! For the past few years we have lived by the motto to live together or die alone, what will come of our Tuesday nights now.
I have read so many theory's on how this will end, and I don't have a clue how it will, all I know is I don't want this to be a dream, someone waking up from a coma, or Hurley and one of his "crazy" storys! One thing is for sure, this show like prison break will be deeply missed!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Quite days
What a long night at work..... I hate nights like these. been talking on this step chat to some new friends I am making. I stopped by the book store on the way in and picked up some alanon books so that on my down moments here I will have something to do.
Ferlin was transfered to the other side today, the side where they can get him on the meds that he needs. He seems to really be doing okay. I mean he sounds week and tired, and is easily irritated, but for the most part he sounds good.
Jordan had a good day yesterday too. The girls did the softball thing. All in all it seemed to be a pretty quite day, and sometimes days like that its great!
Ferlin was transfered to the other side today, the side where they can get him on the meds that he needs. He seems to really be doing okay. I mean he sounds week and tired, and is easily irritated, but for the most part he sounds good.
Jordan had a good day yesterday too. The girls did the softball thing. All in all it seemed to be a pretty quite day, and sometimes days like that its great!
Ups and Downs of Life
Ups and Downs of Life
A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong.
School, family problems, severe health problems, etc..
Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her
grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
" Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these
things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him
and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"
A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong.
School, family problems, severe health problems, etc..
Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her
grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
" Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these
things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him
and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"
Broken Toys
Broken Toys
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."
Dear Friend
great find on an alanon site.
Dear Friend,
How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were talking with your friends. I waited all day hoping you would talk to me, too. I gave you a sunset to chase your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me- but I still love you because I am your friend.
I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, waiting to rush down so we could talk.
I have so many gifts for you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing. I clothe you in warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you
Is deeper then the ocean and bigger then the biggest need in your heart.
Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you
I have chosen you and I will wait for you.
Your friend,
I love you!
Jesus
Dear Friend,
How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were talking with your friends. I waited all day hoping you would talk to me, too. I gave you a sunset to chase your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me- but I still love you because I am your friend.
I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, waiting to rush down so we could talk.
I have so many gifts for you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing. I clothe you in warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you
Is deeper then the ocean and bigger then the biggest need in your heart.
Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you
I have chosen you and I will wait for you.
Your friend,
I love you!
Jesus
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Are you Codependant?
why yes I think I am.....I am learning in Alanon that these fit hand in hand some times, this is not the complete list of traits but the complete list can be found @ http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Just another day
I am feeling pretty cruddy today. I havent been sick in a while, but there is something about today that is just making me feel blah, all my bones are achy, im chilling and I am so super tired.
There isnt alot that has went on in my day today, kids actually did there work good today, and I watched my neice and nephew today. I talked to ferlin this morning at 7 and again at 6 tonight. He has to rush to get everything in he wants to say to me and the kids, and for somereason I am still sinceing some kind of attitude he has. I know that this was a big step for him, but he is still very short with his answers and seems to anger very easily.
They have him on so much medicine up there I am just wondering after they detx him from the drugs and alchocol if they will need to detox him for all that, hmm, just dont make alot of since to me. He seems to be hitting some kind of depression that he went into before, and on Friday they will be transfering him to the other side to where he will be put back on his normal meds, hopefully that will help with that.
I am trying to adjust to this new life about me and the kids, I cant help but feel a little relief when he isnt around. I love him so much and I hope with everything that I has that he is able to beat his addiction and be the kind of dad that God has meant for him to be.
I guess right now my biggest struggle is my family, no one seems to understand me, and why I continue to hold out hope. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I wish that I felt like I had a little support though, seems like that would make it easier on me. The last things these babies want is a broken family, and you would thank that they would try to understand that. I talked alot about that today in an alanon class and all they could tell me is that I have to listen to me, I just wish I could fgure out what "me" was saying. I know with all there hidden comments and feelings about it, I am learning very quickly that I cant talk with them, so I will keep my feelings to myself. It would be awesome to be bale to have them to talk to but I am learning that there agenda is not the same to them. Which I am trying to understand, and I do in a way. They are the ones that have seen me hurt, and for that Im sorry, but people do change, and I am just so glad that God didnt give up on me while I was changing!
Ugh, well I guess I am going to head and lay down! Got a big day tomorrow, gonna go talk about 4 h camp, yep I am thinking about letting Mariah go. Thats a whole week!!! I am so proud of me!
There isnt alot that has went on in my day today, kids actually did there work good today, and I watched my neice and nephew today. I talked to ferlin this morning at 7 and again at 6 tonight. He has to rush to get everything in he wants to say to me and the kids, and for somereason I am still sinceing some kind of attitude he has. I know that this was a big step for him, but he is still very short with his answers and seems to anger very easily.
They have him on so much medicine up there I am just wondering after they detx him from the drugs and alchocol if they will need to detox him for all that, hmm, just dont make alot of since to me. He seems to be hitting some kind of depression that he went into before, and on Friday they will be transfering him to the other side to where he will be put back on his normal meds, hopefully that will help with that.
I am trying to adjust to this new life about me and the kids, I cant help but feel a little relief when he isnt around. I love him so much and I hope with everything that I has that he is able to beat his addiction and be the kind of dad that God has meant for him to be.
I guess right now my biggest struggle is my family, no one seems to understand me, and why I continue to hold out hope. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I wish that I felt like I had a little support though, seems like that would make it easier on me. The last things these babies want is a broken family, and you would thank that they would try to understand that. I talked alot about that today in an alanon class and all they could tell me is that I have to listen to me, I just wish I could fgure out what "me" was saying. I know with all there hidden comments and feelings about it, I am learning very quickly that I cant talk with them, so I will keep my feelings to myself. It would be awesome to be bale to have them to talk to but I am learning that there agenda is not the same to them. Which I am trying to understand, and I do in a way. They are the ones that have seen me hurt, and for that Im sorry, but people do change, and I am just so glad that God didnt give up on me while I was changing!
Ugh, well I guess I am going to head and lay down! Got a big day tomorrow, gonna go talk about 4 h camp, yep I am thinking about letting Mariah go. Thats a whole week!!! I am so proud of me!
The Alanon Prayer
The Alanon Prayer
Dear God, I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance. I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today. Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best.
Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better, to love You more. I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out
Lord, teach me patience, and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You, You will be there to help me.
Dear God, I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance. I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today. Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You. I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings, my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan. Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best.
Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly.
I am seeking to know You better, to love You more. I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out
Lord, teach me patience, and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You, You will be there to help me.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Update on Jordan
Went to the doctor for the first time, after getting back from Nashville. He is doing tremendously better but still has his bad days! I told the Dr that we would take him being sick 3 days instead of 7 any day! Our doctor is determined to get him 100 % better! So he has a dilitation appointment on the 26th, to have the fundoplication stretched again. Please keep him in your prayers for the procedure, although it is not nearly as extensive as the big surgery, they still have to put him to sleep, and no matter how small that may be a mom still worries! I will keep you updated!
Letting Go Takes Love
Awesome new poem someone sent me in my alanon group, now if I can just remember it all !
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hitting Bottom
So ferlin came to the house early this morning while we were headed to the library. He said "I have a problem". They teach you in alanon that is the first step for them, but to be careful not to fall back into the fixit mode. I simply told Ferlin ok, what are you going to do about it. SOOO proud of ME! He found a place a few hours later that said they would take him in for Detox.
I drove him up there, boy was that a trip! Fussin the whole way from him, I just went in to my I cant fix him zone and happily sang along with the radio. When he threw up I wont go then, I simply said well thats up to you! After all he wasnt doing me any favors!
Sooo heres where we are, he entered detox this morning, while in there they are trying to get him into a rehab program where he will go 28 days, then he should be able to come home or go to a halfway house for 90 days. As much as this is about him and Im trying to change my focus to me, hearing him say he had a problem and finally getting the help that everyone knows he needs, makes me do my happy dance, just a little one on the inside, but im still doing it.
I drove him up there, boy was that a trip! Fussin the whole way from him, I just went in to my I cant fix him zone and happily sang along with the radio. When he threw up I wont go then, I simply said well thats up to you! After all he wasnt doing me any favors!
Sooo heres where we are, he entered detox this morning, while in there they are trying to get him into a rehab program where he will go 28 days, then he should be able to come home or go to a halfway house for 90 days. As much as this is about him and Im trying to change my focus to me, hearing him say he had a problem and finally getting the help that everyone knows he needs, makes me do my happy dance, just a little one on the inside, but im still doing it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The man in the glass
The Man In The Glass .
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The invisible mom
got this from a homeschool loop its awesome
Invisible Mother.....
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been
added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Invisible Mother.....
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been
added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Just Push Play!
So over the past two months I have struggled with a very sick son, not leting the kids fall behind in school, still keeping up a full time schedule and trying to "fix" Fer. I have came to the conclusion that I cant do it. I ran into a friend who introduced me to an online alanon meeting since i never have any time to go to a face to face meeting.
Today was day 1 atthe meeting and I tell you what the first day has completely changed my life! I have learned so much in this class, I think I will go every day! I feel so not alone there! These people have been through the exact same things I am going through, they have wonderful advice, and ways to change my thoughts from fixing him and onto fixing me. I am going to start working on the same steps that he is working on, and just apply them to my life. I have to give up the "fix it mottos" that I have and start trying to just move on.
For so many months now I feel like I have been on pause, well its time to push play!
TOnight I learned two or three of the cheesiest saying but they have really stuck with me, I was so focused on him, the say " hocus pocus change your focus" and I told them going through the day smileing makes me feel like im lieing to myself because on the inside I dont feel that way, they say " fake it till you make it "!
I sent ferlin a text letting him know that I loved him, and I hope he gets things right, so now all I can do is find the courage to push play!
Today was day 1 atthe meeting and I tell you what the first day has completely changed my life! I have learned so much in this class, I think I will go every day! I feel so not alone there! These people have been through the exact same things I am going through, they have wonderful advice, and ways to change my thoughts from fixing him and onto fixing me. I am going to start working on the same steps that he is working on, and just apply them to my life. I have to give up the "fix it mottos" that I have and start trying to just move on.
For so many months now I feel like I have been on pause, well its time to push play!
TOnight I learned two or three of the cheesiest saying but they have really stuck with me, I was so focused on him, the say " hocus pocus change your focus" and I told them going through the day smileing makes me feel like im lieing to myself because on the inside I dont feel that way, they say " fake it till you make it "!
I sent ferlin a text letting him know that I loved him, and I hope he gets things right, so now all I can do is find the courage to push play!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Okay so I havent blogged in a while, we have been so busy with jordan. I thought I would catch up now. So we made it to Vandi and the doctors were amazing. We had a doctor in there so much i was kinda getting sick of them, total opposite from UT. They of course had alot more tests to run.
They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.
After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.
We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!
They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.
After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.
We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
One more day to Vandi
So we have one more day till we head down to Vanderbilt. Still dont think Ferlin will be going with us, he hasnt called. With everything that Jordan is going through its just sad. We are hoping to leave out early at 5:30. Long drive down so going to go to bed early. thanks everyone in advance for the prayers.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The crossroads of life
I have had a really hard day today as you can tell from my previous post. Jordan has been doing okay this evening, hes still haveing bursts of nausea and some cramping. He has slept most of the day. I think I was really hard on myself earlier and if you dont know all the things in my life that i am having to deal with then I guess it doesnt make alot of since.
I have been at work all evening jordan is at home with mom and the girls. There all sound asleep and hopefully having sweet dreams. For the most part of the night I have been listening to music. Listening to some good christian music has always been able to pick me up.
I havve never really been at a crossroad in life where there are more than 2 decisions to make. i think i am so overwhelmed at the intensity the things in my life are coming at me. I dont even get one thing figured out before im making another. I talked to someone tonight who prayed with me and I was so thankful to have that person reach out and just ask me it I was okay. Of course hering the are you okay and then someone on the other end litterly down may have been a little scary! Either way I am greatful for my dear friend Carmen. I love ya girl!
I have been at work all evening jordan is at home with mom and the girls. There all sound asleep and hopefully having sweet dreams. For the most part of the night I have been listening to music. Listening to some good christian music has always been able to pick me up.
I havve never really been at a crossroad in life where there are more than 2 decisions to make. i think i am so overwhelmed at the intensity the things in my life are coming at me. I dont even get one thing figured out before im making another. I talked to someone tonight who prayed with me and I was so thankful to have that person reach out and just ask me it I was okay. Of course hering the are you okay and then someone on the other end litterly down may have been a little scary! Either way I am greatful for my dear friend Carmen. I love ya girl!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Picking it back up :(
Well I laid it down and let go and let God for one whole day before I picked it right back up again! How frustrating is that. This morning Jordans Iv blew again. He cried, he did not want to be stuck again. Dr Kendall said we needed to restart it but Jordan did not want that. So he could either restart it or go home on half the medication and fight the nausea and the retching until they talked to Erlanger in the morning. Of course Jordan chose to go home, I mean how many kids do you know that would stick out there arm and say here you go give me an IV please.
Im the mom I knew in my heart that he should stay I knew in my gut he should stay, its the right thing for him right now, its where he should be, the doctors felt that way to. How can I make a wrong decision instead of doing what I know to be right. I know Jordan wants to be home, but Im supposed to be following where I feel the most peace at. And I let my mommy feelings get in the way. Now im sick, Im nausous, and I knwo I have made a wrong decision. All I can do is pray for forgiveness, hope this doctor gets him in tomorrow and hope Jordans night is as good as he hopes it will be.
Trying to lay it down again :(
Im the mom I knew in my heart that he should stay I knew in my gut he should stay, its the right thing for him right now, its where he should be, the doctors felt that way to. How can I make a wrong decision instead of doing what I know to be right. I know Jordan wants to be home, but Im supposed to be following where I feel the most peace at. And I let my mommy feelings get in the way. Now im sick, Im nausous, and I knwo I have made a wrong decision. All I can do is pray for forgiveness, hope this doctor gets him in tomorrow and hope Jordans night is as good as he hopes it will be.
Trying to lay it down again :(
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Laying it down!
So Jordan had a rough morning but by night he seemed to be doing a little was better. It was really good to be able to see him eating and playing uno. Wow we had alot of visitors come up day, Jordan was really glad about that. His sisters was here! His cousin Brandon came up and they had a good time.
Dr Kendall was planning on discharging Jordan tomorrow morning. The home health company dont want him to come home with a regular iv and Dr Kendall doesnt want to put a central line in because he dont feel its nessecary. So he will be here till Monday.
Dr Carr is supposed to call him come Monday morning and hopefully we will be on our way down, there has been so many people say that today we will be discharged that we are not going to get our hopes up but still think positive!
Ferlin isnt up here like he was with Jordan the way he was last time he was in here, last time fer stayed everynight with him. Watching Jordan cry for him is really starting to get to me. Its really hard to watch Fer go through whatever he is going through when I feel like he should be here and not worry about anything else until all this with jordan is over. I think I have very strongly in not so good ways all the time told him how I feel.
I talked to someone today and he said God had given him a vision on things that were going on in my life. I have had that on my mind all day and I just feel like God is working with our family right now on many levels and if the end outcome isnt what I thought it would be, it is what God knows it will be.
Im laying here now looking at him and I feel so awful that everyone isnt focus mainly on him. I hate that I just dont understand, and their isnt anything I can do to fix it. After yesterday and the miracle with the IV Im trying do my part by praying and laying it down. Never knew giving up things could e harder on a person!
Dr Kendall was planning on discharging Jordan tomorrow morning. The home health company dont want him to come home with a regular iv and Dr Kendall doesnt want to put a central line in because he dont feel its nessecary. So he will be here till Monday.
Dr Carr is supposed to call him come Monday morning and hopefully we will be on our way down, there has been so many people say that today we will be discharged that we are not going to get our hopes up but still think positive!
Ferlin isnt up here like he was with Jordan the way he was last time he was in here, last time fer stayed everynight with him. Watching Jordan cry for him is really starting to get to me. Its really hard to watch Fer go through whatever he is going through when I feel like he should be here and not worry about anything else until all this with jordan is over. I think I have very strongly in not so good ways all the time told him how I feel.
I talked to someone today and he said God had given him a vision on things that were going on in my life. I have had that on my mind all day and I just feel like God is working with our family right now on many levels and if the end outcome isnt what I thought it would be, it is what God knows it will be.
Im laying here now looking at him and I feel so awful that everyone isnt focus mainly on him. I hate that I just dont understand, and their isnt anything I can do to fix it. After yesterday and the miracle with the IV Im trying do my part by praying and laying it down. Never knew giving up things could e harder on a person!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Choices!!
Dr Kendall just left, I guess I'm a lil let down things are not happening quicker, but I'm trusting in God things are happening at the speed God intends for them to. Dr. Kendall was trying to get Jordan in at Vanderbilt or Erlanger. Our choice was Erlanger if possible its alot closer for me and my family to drive, but we would take first available.
He said he would like to get him transferred today but Vandi called him at 9 last night and said he soonest they can get him in is this coming Friday, no beds. We are still waiting on Erlanger to call but he wanted to go ahead and tell us our options. Which are:
1. We can stay here till next Friday and then transfer down there. ( Jordan said this is absolutely not an option hee hee )
2. We can try to get ahold Of Dr carr and see if they can speed things up at Erlanger so that he can go today or tomorrow.
3. He can go home with home health, I will be able to continue the iv medications that he is on myself until Friday when he goes to see Dr on Friday in Nashville.
4. We can stay here and let the surgeons here do it. ( yep, they are saying now they see the flap that needs redone and would be willing to do the surgery ). This was an option until I told him it wasn't! These surgeons have treated my family like crap! I don't trust them and I have reported them for there actions toward us. Now way are they going to do anything on Jordan!!
So this is our option as of now. Our plan is to get ahold of Carr. If we can get Jordan seen down there then I think that would be the best and if we cant we wanna take him home and do it all at home until Friday. Please keep praying that the ball keeps rolling, I think I feel most eager and nervous when the ball just stops!
He said he would like to get him transferred today but Vandi called him at 9 last night and said he soonest they can get him in is this coming Friday, no beds. We are still waiting on Erlanger to call but he wanted to go ahead and tell us our options. Which are:
1. We can stay here till next Friday and then transfer down there. ( Jordan said this is absolutely not an option hee hee )
2. We can try to get ahold Of Dr carr and see if they can speed things up at Erlanger so that he can go today or tomorrow.
3. He can go home with home health, I will be able to continue the iv medications that he is on myself until Friday when he goes to see Dr on Friday in Nashville.
4. We can stay here and let the surgeons here do it. ( yep, they are saying now they see the flap that needs redone and would be willing to do the surgery ). This was an option until I told him it wasn't! These surgeons have treated my family like crap! I don't trust them and I have reported them for there actions toward us. Now way are they going to do anything on Jordan!!
So this is our option as of now. Our plan is to get ahold of Carr. If we can get Jordan seen down there then I think that would be the best and if we cant we wanna take him home and do it all at home until Friday. Please keep praying that the ball keeps rolling, I think I feel most eager and nervous when the ball just stops!
Lean on ME
I am fixing to head to bed, but wanted you to know that2 hours after I heard about the prayer group for Jordan, the surgeons that we had such a hard time with came in to "apologize" and give me options and opinions, and within 30 minutes after that Dr Kendall came in to say the transfer for tomorrow would be a go as soon as he spoke with the DR down there he seen it happening within 48 hours. Lastly, I had put out a comment on facebook the IV had blown, when they replaced it, just a few minutes later it blew again! Jordan was so devastated getting stuck 3 times in one day was way to much for him to take, So they stopped the Iv and went to get another to restart and while they were gone I prayed over his hand, I prayed out loud and with demand and told Satan to get away from my son, that God already had claimed him and all this evil will stop RIGHT NOW!!! Jordan kinda giggled he dont here me pray like that often. I told Jordan to stop crying and God said we just need to ask but we have to be willing to lay it down and let God handle it... Within 20 minutes, she returned and I asked her to just try the old IV one more time, and Praise God to all of our surprise it worked!!! not only did it work but the tiny vein that she had it in had a blood return like it was inserted into one of his main veins!!
Im telling you I feel a miracles coming, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted and for the first time since all this started I could litterly feel God arms around me as if to say Im here, lean on me!
Im telling you I feel a miracles coming, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted and for the first time since all this started I could litterly feel God arms around me as if to say Im here, lean on me!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Feeling the Stress
So this morning Dr Kendall came in. He had heard about all the stuff that went on and could not be any more apologetic. He feels like his hands are tied, he has to work with these surgeons and has to somehow stay on their good side, but he 100% feels like its the fundo. The surgeon says its 100% not, I mean come on are we not looking at the same pictures.
Marilynn called her brother in Chattanooga and he suggest we have Jordan transfered to Erlanger immediately! He is some kinda big shot doctor down there and told us who to ask for and to even let him know that he was sent by him.
When we talked to Dr Kendall about it he said he feels like, hes not well enough to go home but hes not sick enough to do and emergency surgery, and that he thinks that we need to do the feeding tubes and make an appointment to get him seen. Well after last night getting him away from these surgeons is on top of my agenda! So now we wait and see what Kendall can get done..... i hate these waiting games.
SOOO STRESSED!
Marilynn called her brother in Chattanooga and he suggest we have Jordan transfered to Erlanger immediately! He is some kinda big shot doctor down there and told us who to ask for and to even let him know that he was sent by him.
When we talked to Dr Kendall about it he said he feels like, hes not well enough to go home but hes not sick enough to do and emergency surgery, and that he thinks that we need to do the feeding tubes and make an appointment to get him seen. Well after last night getting him away from these surgeons is on top of my agenda! So now we wait and see what Kendall can get done..... i hate these waiting games.
SOOO STRESSED!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Furiosity killed the surgeon!!
So we have been here all day waiting for the surgeon to come in up here at ut and listened to all the excuses, he will be here at lunch, he will be here at 3, for sure at 5 when the office closes, oh he has a surgery, he has another surgery. Okay I get it things come up and things happen. As a nurse I can respect and understand that. But when that nurse walked in and said that Shes so sorry to have to tell me but the surgeon has already came up and gone, I swear I think my head spent around several times.
It is crazy to wait on someone so long, here all the promises to be here and then them not show up. Where the heck is their empathy!!! Needless to say I was beyond mad, it was one thing being treated like a nobody at his office, but to be sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and still not be special enough for him to grace us with his presence!!! OH BULL!!
Called the patient advocate and had DR Angel reported she was furious, she was like this is not even the first complaint she has had on him this week!! She filled the complaint with the chief of staff, UT board, and patient safety board. Im so glad that we have got something done. But even threw all my tears I have no idea what to do next, these are the only Doctor surgeons for peds around here.
Once again, we have hit a dead end!
It is crazy to wait on someone so long, here all the promises to be here and then them not show up. Where the heck is their empathy!!! Needless to say I was beyond mad, it was one thing being treated like a nobody at his office, but to be sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and still not be special enough for him to grace us with his presence!!! OH BULL!!
Called the patient advocate and had DR Angel reported she was furious, she was like this is not even the first complaint she has had on him this week!! She filled the complaint with the chief of staff, UT board, and patient safety board. Im so glad that we have got something done. But even threw all my tears I have no idea what to do next, these are the only Doctor surgeons for peds around here.
Once again, we have hit a dead end!
Cross your fingers
Dr Kendall lifted all diet restrictions. For breakfast Jordan ate a piece of bacon....and thats it! For Lunch he ate a chicken strip... three fries... and thats it!
WOW so didnt expect that!
The consult happened at 7 this morning with Dr herd, of how I wish he was not a resident and could actually do the surgery over Dr Angel. He was so nice and seemed intrested, listened to my questions and explained everything he could. He is taking all these tests and the Endo back to Dr Angel (sigh) to see what the verdict is.
Dr Kendall came in also, he actually passed the surgeon in the hall and was able to express his concerns and even tell him what options we had if they didnt do it. When he came to talk to me he went over those options as well, which is the two tubes in his stomach, one to feed him with and one to let the air out to prevent the retching. I do not like these options and Jordan doesnt either. jordan dont cry very often, but he did last night and just does not want to be here, he dont want to leave either cause he knows he will be back up here and have to get re stuck. When I ask him what I can do he just says he dont know. Its sad.
By this evening we will know what tomorrow brings. Surgery or tubes. Please keep praying that gods will be done in this.
WOW so didnt expect that!
The consult happened at 7 this morning with Dr herd, of how I wish he was not a resident and could actually do the surgery over Dr Angel. He was so nice and seemed intrested, listened to my questions and explained everything he could. He is taking all these tests and the Endo back to Dr Angel (sigh) to see what the verdict is.
Dr Kendall came in also, he actually passed the surgeon in the hall and was able to express his concerns and even tell him what options we had if they didnt do it. When he came to talk to me he went over those options as well, which is the two tubes in his stomach, one to feed him with and one to let the air out to prevent the retching. I do not like these options and Jordan doesnt either. jordan dont cry very often, but he did last night and just does not want to be here, he dont want to leave either cause he knows he will be back up here and have to get re stuck. When I ask him what I can do he just says he dont know. Its sad.
By this evening we will know what tomorrow brings. Surgery or tubes. Please keep praying that gods will be done in this.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Test Day
Mariah stayed the night with us last night and loved it. Jordan actually loved it to, he says she is nicer to him when hes sick, but her calling him sweetie all the time seems weird!
At 10 they took him down for the Gastric Emptying test. He got to eat eggs and loved all 3 bites lol! He had to lay on a table for 60 minutes and not move!What a great job he did. At 1 they took us down for the upper GI. When I had that done, I threw up, he however drank the chalky stuff right down. Both tests came back fine. Sounds like a good thing but not really. The insane doctor from children's wanted to see what all these test showed before he made a definitive decision on weather to do the surgery!
Doctor Kendall came in at 7. Was so glad to see him, but he also didn't have any good news for us. He said he wished we could just get what he needs done over with. But trying to find a surgeon around here is not an easy task. If the doctors choose not to do the surgery then Doctor Kendalls only choice is to put a feeding tube in. After a brief cry and a it'll be ok hug he left for the night. He has a consult in to the surgeons at children's, now we wait!
Oh and Dads coming to get Mariah, phew, she is talking the nurses ears off, every one is pretty has pretty hair and pretty names, She soooo needs sleep!
At 10 they took him down for the Gastric Emptying test. He got to eat eggs and loved all 3 bites lol! He had to lay on a table for 60 minutes and not move!What a great job he did. At 1 they took us down for the upper GI. When I had that done, I threw up, he however drank the chalky stuff right down. Both tests came back fine. Sounds like a good thing but not really. The insane doctor from children's wanted to see what all these test showed before he made a definitive decision on weather to do the surgery!
Doctor Kendall came in at 7. Was so glad to see him, but he also didn't have any good news for us. He said he wished we could just get what he needs done over with. But trying to find a surgeon around here is not an easy task. If the doctors choose not to do the surgery then Doctor Kendalls only choice is to put a feeding tube in. After a brief cry and a it'll be ok hug he left for the night. He has a consult in to the surgeons at children's, now we wait!
Oh and Dads coming to get Mariah, phew, she is talking the nurses ears off, every one is pretty has pretty hair and pretty names, She soooo needs sleep!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Home sweet Hospital??
Got things done around the house today, kids school and clothes before I had to head up to the Dr at 1. As soon as I got up there they said Jordan had lost 4 pounds and its only been a week. He laid down in the doctors office and didn't say anything, he feels so bad.
The office sent us back to UT room 424! 4 rooms down from where we was a week ago! We had the same nurse Lucy, Jordan really likes her, she is excellent at starting Iv's and give Jordan a dollar to hold on to everytime, if he drops it or moves he has to give it back. Needless to say Jordans billfold is getting thicker!
Tests scheduled for morning. Iv fluids and Regaln and Zofran has been given every 4 hours, and adult down and together! No one came up tonight, Jordan was tired. Hopefully
better days tomorrow!
The office sent us back to UT room 424! 4 rooms down from where we was a week ago! We had the same nurse Lucy, Jordan really likes her, she is excellent at starting Iv's and give Jordan a dollar to hold on to everytime, if he drops it or moves he has to give it back. Needless to say Jordans billfold is getting thicker!
Tests scheduled for morning. Iv fluids and Regaln and Zofran has been given every 4 hours, and adult down and together! No one came up tonight, Jordan was tired. Hopefully
better days tomorrow!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Calling Dr Kendall....
Jordan is having a rough day. I have a call into Dr Kendall to see what he wants to do about his retching and feeling so bad. When he called back he wants him up in his office tomorrow. He is probably going to stick him in the hospital to run the test the childrens Dr wanted to wait forever on, grrr.
Im just praying we get something done this time, I hate seeing him like this!
Im just praying we get something done this time, I hate seeing him like this!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Cookout with the Fam!
We havent gotten together with Dad and Suzy for a long time. So today they did a cookout at the park. What a beautiful day to have it! Sun shinning breeze blowing. Kids everywhere. The only bad part about it was the fact that Shyla didnt feel good. Yummy food!
Everyone leads such busy lives anymore, its really hard to settle down and get everyone together, but today it was done.
I also got to see some of my homeschool friends that was walking the trail. With jordan being sick and The Miles family and the death of their child, everyone has been distant. It was great to see them and get a chance to let them know I was thinking about them and they were thinking of us.
Continueing to pray for the Miles family. She died Wednesday morning at 6:00, I can not even imagine what Vicki is going through right now, but Courtney is home and cancer free now! Thank you Jesus for saving me!
Everyone leads such busy lives anymore, its really hard to settle down and get everyone together, but today it was done.
I also got to see some of my homeschool friends that was walking the trail. With jordan being sick and The Miles family and the death of their child, everyone has been distant. It was great to see them and get a chance to let them know I was thinking about them and they were thinking of us.
Continueing to pray for the Miles family. She died Wednesday morning at 6:00, I can not even imagine what Vicki is going through right now, but Courtney is home and cancer free now! Thank you Jesus for saving me!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Softball With the Girlies!
We have been outside throwing ball all day. I absolutely love softball. I have played it all my life and would still be playing it if I could. I am thrilled that the girls love it just as much.
Hannah is just starting out this is her second year and how great is it to watch these lil ones learning the basics of the game. Her throwing is great and her batting is wonderful. Fielding for her is another story but hey she is learning! Gotta get that glove down!!
Mariah has played several years now. She is like me in so many ways, loves playing catcher. I was first base when I played, but I did play catcher for a year and man was it hot!Her hitting is very good. Her and the coach seem to have a disagreement sometimes with the bat she chooses. She likes them long fat bats like i did, he wants her to use a smaller one. I sit over and watched them talk about it the other day he would hold up bat and she would shake her head, then another and the same thing would happen. In the long run she ended up useing hers! She stands up for herself but we gotta work on the attitude against authority! Her catching is getting alot better, she was scared of the ball for some reason at the begining of the year but now shes getting back to her old self!
LIVE LAUGH AND PLAY BALL!
Hannah is just starting out this is her second year and how great is it to watch these lil ones learning the basics of the game. Her throwing is great and her batting is wonderful. Fielding for her is another story but hey she is learning! Gotta get that glove down!!
Mariah has played several years now. She is like me in so many ways, loves playing catcher. I was first base when I played, but I did play catcher for a year and man was it hot!Her hitting is very good. Her and the coach seem to have a disagreement sometimes with the bat she chooses. She likes them long fat bats like i did, he wants her to use a smaller one. I sit over and watched them talk about it the other day he would hold up bat and she would shake her head, then another and the same thing would happen. In the long run she ended up useing hers! She stands up for herself but we gotta work on the attitude against authority! Her catching is getting alot better, she was scared of the ball for some reason at the begining of the year but now shes getting back to her old self!
LIVE LAUGH AND PLAY BALL!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Not Gonna Happen
Went to the doctor and seen the surgeon that the doctor is wanting me to go to. We would just rather go to Nashville where we know the Doctors and know that they are great at what they do. He is afraid if Jordan has complications that Nashville would be a long ways to travel to have to get checked out. So we went and seen one at Childrens.
I had been warned about his anything but awesome bedside manner, and to tell you the truth his bedside manner wasnt the thing that made me mad. I mean he actually got along really well with Jordan. Jordan loved the office it was decked out in UT Vols. It was his insistance to do all the test over again that Dr Kendall has already done! WHY?? Im sorry but putting Jordan back through all those tests is insane when they have already been done within the last couple of weeks. Nope NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I would rather drive to Nashville then keep watching Jordan stay sick and vomiting.
Most people would consider me easy going and someone who kind is stand offish it comes to giving my opinion about things. Some situations maybe not. But this one for sure. There is something that happens inside you when it comes to situations with your kids. The need to fight for them becomes the most important thing. I think I can speak for any mom out there when I say "DONT MESS WITH MY KID".
I had been warned about his anything but awesome bedside manner, and to tell you the truth his bedside manner wasnt the thing that made me mad. I mean he actually got along really well with Jordan. Jordan loved the office it was decked out in UT Vols. It was his insistance to do all the test over again that Dr Kendall has already done! WHY?? Im sorry but putting Jordan back through all those tests is insane when they have already been done within the last couple of weeks. Nope NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I would rather drive to Nashville then keep watching Jordan stay sick and vomiting.
Most people would consider me easy going and someone who kind is stand offish it comes to giving my opinion about things. Some situations maybe not. But this one for sure. There is something that happens inside you when it comes to situations with your kids. The need to fight for them becomes the most important thing. I think I can speak for any mom out there when I say "DONT MESS WITH MY KID".
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
My Seven Day Forecast
Man do I need a seven day forecast for my life. Think about it, how cool would it be to know what days to watch out for and when to bring and umbrella because of the rain!
Take my last week for example, Monday - surgery = rain! Tuesday - cloudy with a chance of crying from Hannah! Wednesday - fits from Mariah with a chance of Ferlin. I mean where the heck are my sunny days!
Took Jordan to the doctor yesterday and they say we have no choice but to do the surgery. So on Thursday were going to meet a new surgeon. If we like him he will be doing the surgery in Knoxville. If we don't like him its back to Nashville we go! Hopefully they will get this done soon so that he will have a little of relief. He has taken more Phenergan in the last couple weeks than he has in 10 years.
There is an ozone warning saying that if you have allergies or asthma stay inside. for one whoever made this warning apperently didn't have kids!I have a feeling were going to have a whole lot of days like this. I mean after all its 80 and April, Lord have mercy on us in July!
Take my last week for example, Monday - surgery = rain! Tuesday - cloudy with a chance of crying from Hannah! Wednesday - fits from Mariah with a chance of Ferlin. I mean where the heck are my sunny days!
Took Jordan to the doctor yesterday and they say we have no choice but to do the surgery. So on Thursday were going to meet a new surgeon. If we like him he will be doing the surgery in Knoxville. If we don't like him its back to Nashville we go! Hopefully they will get this done soon so that he will have a little of relief. He has taken more Phenergan in the last couple weeks than he has in 10 years.
There is an ozone warning saying that if you have allergies or asthma stay inside. for one whoever made this warning apperently didn't have kids!I have a feeling were going to have a whole lot of days like this. I mean after all its 80 and April, Lord have mercy on us in July!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Fundo what?
It looks as though Jordan is going to have to have the surgery done. He is not getting any relief from the small procedure that they did. The good news is that its eight years later. 8 years ago, the laproscopic fundoplication was new and very few doctors did it. We did find one in Nashville, Dr. Cyves, that would do it. He moved to Jacksonville Florida to work at the Mayo clinic.
There is a couple of great doctors around here that are doing it now, and I guess we have to make a decision on what to do. We can go to Jacksonville to get his doctor that he previously had, we can go to Nashville and get one of the doctors in the same practice to do it, or we can stay here and let one of the doctors at UT do it. Dr. Kendall seems very confident that the doctors around here can do a superb job, and coming from him that goes along ways! Decisions, decisions, decisions!!
Jordan has had 2 previous fundos, when he was 2 he had one that flipped inside out and they had to do it over. We were in the hospital for a total of around 2 months down there. This will be his third and with each surgery, comes more risks and complications. We are at the point now that we were then where we dont have much of a choice. His quality of life is non exsistant right now. He is taking phenergan about every 4 hours, causeing him to be overly tired, and if he chooses to not take the phenergan the pain from his retching is unbearable even to watch :(
I continue to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle, I know that God knows how I feel having to watch his own son suffer and even die for us.
What is fundoplication?
Fundoplication is the standard surgical method for treating gastro-esophageal reflux disease (GERD). GERD causes inflammation, pain (heartburn), and other serious complications (such as scarring and stricture) of the esophagus. GERD results when acid refluxes (regurgitates, or backwashes) from the stomach back up into the esophagus. Under normal conditions, there is a barrier to reflux of acid. One part of this barrier is the lower-most muscle of the esophagus (called the lower esophageal sphincter). Most of the time, this muscle is contracted (constricted, or tight), which closes off the esophagus from the stomach. In patients with GERD, the sphincter does not function normally. The muscle is either weak or relaxes inappropriately. Fundoplication is a surgical technique that strengthens the barrier to acid reflux when the sphincter does not function normally.
What happens during fundoplication?
During the fundoplication procedure, the part of the stomach that is closest to the entry of the esophagus (the fundus of the stomach) is gathered, wrapped, and sutured (sewn) around the lower end of the esophagus and the lower esophageal sphincter. (The gathering and suturing of one tissue to another is called plication.) This procedure increases the pressure at the lower end of the esophagus.
Also, during fundoplication, other surgical steps frequently are taken that also may reduce acid reflux. For instance, if the patient has a hiatal hernia (which occurs in 80% of patients with GERD), the hernial sac may be pulled down from the chest and sutured so that it remains within the abdomen. Additionally, the opening in the diaphragm through which the esophagus passes from the chest into the abdomen also may be tightened.
There is a couple of great doctors around here that are doing it now, and I guess we have to make a decision on what to do. We can go to Jacksonville to get his doctor that he previously had, we can go to Nashville and get one of the doctors in the same practice to do it, or we can stay here and let one of the doctors at UT do it. Dr. Kendall seems very confident that the doctors around here can do a superb job, and coming from him that goes along ways! Decisions, decisions, decisions!!
Jordan has had 2 previous fundos, when he was 2 he had one that flipped inside out and they had to do it over. We were in the hospital for a total of around 2 months down there. This will be his third and with each surgery, comes more risks and complications. We are at the point now that we were then where we dont have much of a choice. His quality of life is non exsistant right now. He is taking phenergan about every 4 hours, causeing him to be overly tired, and if he chooses to not take the phenergan the pain from his retching is unbearable even to watch :(
I continue to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle, I know that God knows how I feel having to watch his own son suffer and even die for us.
What is fundoplication?
Fundoplication is the standard surgical method for treating gastro-esophageal reflux disease (GERD). GERD causes inflammation, pain (heartburn), and other serious complications (such as scarring and stricture) of the esophagus. GERD results when acid refluxes (regurgitates, or backwashes) from the stomach back up into the esophagus. Under normal conditions, there is a barrier to reflux of acid. One part of this barrier is the lower-most muscle of the esophagus (called the lower esophageal sphincter). Most of the time, this muscle is contracted (constricted, or tight), which closes off the esophagus from the stomach. In patients with GERD, the sphincter does not function normally. The muscle is either weak or relaxes inappropriately. Fundoplication is a surgical technique that strengthens the barrier to acid reflux when the sphincter does not function normally.
What happens during fundoplication?
During the fundoplication procedure, the part of the stomach that is closest to the entry of the esophagus (the fundus of the stomach) is gathered, wrapped, and sutured (sewn) around the lower end of the esophagus and the lower esophageal sphincter. (The gathering and suturing of one tissue to another is called plication.) This procedure increases the pressure at the lower end of the esophagus.
Also, during fundoplication, other surgical steps frequently are taken that also may reduce acid reflux. For instance, if the patient has a hiatal hernia (which occurs in 80% of patients with GERD), the hernial sac may be pulled down from the chest and sutured so that it remains within the abdomen. Additionally, the opening in the diaphragm through which the esophagus passes from the chest into the abdomen also may be tightened.
Go Rowdy Go
A little over a year ago i got into this nascar thing because of a patient that I take care of watches it. It used to be watch it and just pretend like I like it and carry on through the night, but not anymore. Now, its became a competition! He likes 2 guys and i like two totally different guys.
Last night was the best races I have ever seen. My two guys Rowdy and Edwards were in the 1st line, with his two guys right behind me in the second line! Brad Kesowski is so bad right now, always wrecking people and being young and cocky, it is almost unbearable. The only thing worse than him is how Nascar babies him. Well last night he got spanked!
Even after Rowdy got black flagged for doing the same thing that Brad did, he still came back in 16 laps to take first place! HAHAHA, we were both yelling, I was yelling something like go go go while he was yelling no no no!
Best race in a long time! Wait to go Kyle you kicked butt! That burn out should be documented as best EVER!!
Last night was the best races I have ever seen. My two guys Rowdy and Edwards were in the 1st line, with his two guys right behind me in the second line! Brad Kesowski is so bad right now, always wrecking people and being young and cocky, it is almost unbearable. The only thing worse than him is how Nascar babies him. Well last night he got spanked!
Even after Rowdy got black flagged for doing the same thing that Brad did, he still came back in 16 laps to take first place! HAHAHA, we were both yelling, I was yelling something like go go go while he was yelling no no no!
Best race in a long time! Wait to go Kyle you kicked butt! That burn out should be documented as best EVER!!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Easter isnt a Holiday?!? What???
Rain Rain Rain!! UGHHHHH! Guess we can complain to bad cause of the beautiful days we have been having! Girls have softball practice this evening and Im thinking it will be canceled but who knows!
Gotta go back into work tonight, and Im actually looking foward to it. Nope dont like to work but Its sorda my getaway! Its my thinking time late at night I have a lot of down time because the patient sleep and I can get caught up on gradeing the kids work and thinking about plans, catching up on blogs, and talk to a few of my late night freinds. Home life has been so hectic with jordan being sick and the girls having practices and homeschooling.
I just called work to check on a check that was not deposited into the back and its waiting for me up there. When I asked to make sure that holiday pay for easter was on there they told me, that easter wasnt a holiday! WHAT!!! Oh dont get me wrong I love the guy I take care of, but if it wasnt for him I would so not be there. No PTO time, Very few holidays like CHristams and New Years I think there are 4, No vacation time. Sure the pay is good but all that other stuff adds up. There is absolutely no perks for working where I do. Sometimes it makes me just wanna quit. I mean heck Im a nurse I can get me a job anywhere I wanted to work, home health, hospital, nursing home, wherever! If my guy ever leaves I will be leaving to!
Well time to go get some stuff done! Later!
Gotta go back into work tonight, and Im actually looking foward to it. Nope dont like to work but Its sorda my getaway! Its my thinking time late at night I have a lot of down time because the patient sleep and I can get caught up on gradeing the kids work and thinking about plans, catching up on blogs, and talk to a few of my late night freinds. Home life has been so hectic with jordan being sick and the girls having practices and homeschooling.
I just called work to check on a check that was not deposited into the back and its waiting for me up there. When I asked to make sure that holiday pay for easter was on there they told me, that easter wasnt a holiday! WHAT!!! Oh dont get me wrong I love the guy I take care of, but if it wasnt for him I would so not be there. No PTO time, Very few holidays like CHristams and New Years I think there are 4, No vacation time. Sure the pay is good but all that other stuff adds up. There is absolutely no perks for working where I do. Sometimes it makes me just wanna quit. I mean heck Im a nurse I can get me a job anywhere I wanted to work, home health, hospital, nursing home, wherever! If my guy ever leaves I will be leaving to!
Well time to go get some stuff done! Later!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My awesome little guy....
Jordan went down to surgery this morning around 8. He wasn't scared and seemed fine. What a awesome lil guy he is. So many prayers were going up thanks for that, you can never have to many of those. Dr Kendall, which totally rocks, came in and said that if everything goes good that we could leave soon after it was over, and after being in the hospital for a night we were ready to get out of there.
Surgery went down good, he was quick to awaken after it and starved to death! He was taken up to his room and released. The doctor said he can eat or drink anything as tolerated so we let him pick the restaurant and he picked Red Robins! He loves there French fries and chicken!
Hes already had to have phenergan twice since we left so this is not a good start :(. I hope for him that this is going to work, but we are preparing for the worst and doing our research as to if we will go to Vanderbilt or Jacksonville, if this does not work.
Please Keep praying!!
Surgery went down good, he was quick to awaken after it and starved to death! He was taken up to his room and released. The doctor said he can eat or drink anything as tolerated so we let him pick the restaurant and he picked Red Robins! He loves there French fries and chicken!
Hes already had to have phenergan twice since we left so this is not a good start :(. I hope for him that this is going to work, but we are preparing for the worst and doing our research as to if we will go to Vanderbilt or Jacksonville, if this does not work.
Please Keep praying!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Sick days...
Jordan is feeling so bad. He had a day that was so bad yesterday it was unreal. After talking to Dr Kendall. He wanted to admit him. We just got admited to the hospital and are settleing in. Its cute watching Jordan tell the nurses where things are when they try to orient him to the room. We have been here so much that it is starting to feel like our vacation home... give or take the iv's.
He just got his IV in and what a trooper he is, he didnt even flinch. Of course it helps that the nurse gave him a dollar to hold onto! He walked down to the gift shop with us a few minutes ago ad was looking for a wrestleing magazine, he came up empty handed so we may have to put in a call to nana!
Long night ahead before the surgery in the morning. Hope he will get some rest! These sick days suck!
He just got his IV in and what a trooper he is, he didnt even flinch. Of course it helps that the nurse gave him a dollar to hold onto! He walked down to the gift shop with us a few minutes ago ad was looking for a wrestleing magazine, he came up empty handed so we may have to put in a call to nana!
Long night ahead before the surgery in the morning. Hope he will get some rest! These sick days suck!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Blessings, Bunnies, and Bats
Happy Easter. After several sad and angry posts I think Im back to my own self again! I am determined to make the most of a wonderful Easter day. All I wanna do is rush home and see the kiddos find there basket and enjoy themselves.
We told Mariah yesterday who about santa and the Easter Bunny. I think we have done a pretty good job keeping such a secret. I can remember how I found out. Seeing mom roll that bike in the living room. Such a devistation. Mariah will be 13 this year, lol, yep she is a little old, but you want to keep there innocence as long as possible. She took it well, maybe she sorda had an idea, after all most of her friends dont believe in this. Ahhhh.... shes growing up.
I really wished jordan felt better than what he did. i look forward to the 7th when they can get him in and get the surgery done. I pray it works, I hate the thoughts of going to another hospital like we did when he was 2. So sad for him... But his spirits are great!
We had a little birthday party over at Taras today, Tristian turns 2 on Easter Sunday! We got her a little tee with bat and balls. The set come with 2 balls. I sat one on the tee and Bella was holding one. When I handed Tristan the bat and told her to hit the ball, I am guessing she assumed the one Bella was holding cause she walked right up to her and clunked little Mrs Bella in the head. (ummmm sorry about that). I do think give or take a swat or two in the wrong direction the party was very successful.
Going into this Easter day I feel fortunate and so greatful to be the child of the most high father, to have my life saved and know what Love is. Forgive me Lord for getting in the hustle of the world, and forgeting to take the time out to be still and just know that you have a plan. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to be nailed to a cross, thank you Lord for loving me enough to die for me, and thank you Lord for rising so that we shall have eternal life with you. Forgive me Lord for sinned, I am so thankful you have came into my heart and saved me!
Easter bunnies and Egg hunts are super, but lets not forget the real reason we are clebrateing today, and its not to see Peter Cottontail come hoping down the bunny trail.
We told Mariah yesterday who about santa and the Easter Bunny. I think we have done a pretty good job keeping such a secret. I can remember how I found out. Seeing mom roll that bike in the living room. Such a devistation. Mariah will be 13 this year, lol, yep she is a little old, but you want to keep there innocence as long as possible. She took it well, maybe she sorda had an idea, after all most of her friends dont believe in this. Ahhhh.... shes growing up.
I really wished jordan felt better than what he did. i look forward to the 7th when they can get him in and get the surgery done. I pray it works, I hate the thoughts of going to another hospital like we did when he was 2. So sad for him... But his spirits are great!
We had a little birthday party over at Taras today, Tristian turns 2 on Easter Sunday! We got her a little tee with bat and balls. The set come with 2 balls. I sat one on the tee and Bella was holding one. When I handed Tristan the bat and told her to hit the ball, I am guessing she assumed the one Bella was holding cause she walked right up to her and clunked little Mrs Bella in the head. (ummmm sorry about that). I do think give or take a swat or two in the wrong direction the party was very successful.
Going into this Easter day I feel fortunate and so greatful to be the child of the most high father, to have my life saved and know what Love is. Forgive me Lord for getting in the hustle of the world, and forgeting to take the time out to be still and just know that you have a plan. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to be nailed to a cross, thank you Lord for loving me enough to die for me, and thank you Lord for rising so that we shall have eternal life with you. Forgive me Lord for sinned, I am so thankful you have came into my heart and saved me!
Easter bunnies and Egg hunts are super, but lets not forget the real reason we are clebrateing today, and its not to see Peter Cottontail come hoping down the bunny trail.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Non Fiction....
This week has been very somber and inconceivable. I will be glad to start a new one. I'm at work tonight, its actually a good thing would have me going insane. At least escaping to work gets my mind off things. Ferlin said that he would be gone this morning and hes still here. This has to be a good sign right, that he wants to get better. Lets just hope.
He said day 14 today. It feels so weird to be counting days again when he was able to say 3 years. I have always looked at setbacks as defeat and failure, that's why I try not to have many.... Maybe i should be looking at this more positively while not focusing on all the things that happened but looking for the good points in the situation.... Nah, that sounds to fictional. The truth is my life may sometimes feel like a good fiction book, but in the end I am placed on the non fiction shelf. My life story is good and bad, failure and successes. In this non fiction book you will find my dreams along with my nightmares, my likes and dislikes. I'm telling ya looking for a publisher, this is going to be a #1 best seller, because looking ahead in my book your fixing to read about an unlikely testimony! I can just feel it.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Believe it!
He said day 14 today. It feels so weird to be counting days again when he was able to say 3 years. I have always looked at setbacks as defeat and failure, that's why I try not to have many.... Maybe i should be looking at this more positively while not focusing on all the things that happened but looking for the good points in the situation.... Nah, that sounds to fictional. The truth is my life may sometimes feel like a good fiction book, but in the end I am placed on the non fiction shelf. My life story is good and bad, failure and successes. In this non fiction book you will find my dreams along with my nightmares, my likes and dislikes. I'm telling ya looking for a publisher, this is going to be a #1 best seller, because looking ahead in my book your fixing to read about an unlikely testimony! I can just feel it.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Believe it!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Heres to a simpler life.....
Horrible day, Jordan is still sick, Ferlin is gone, Easter is coming and I have to go to work! No one said that adult life was easy but being a grown up is hard work. You have to selflessly think of other people which completely goes against everything that you know you should do. Keep everyones feelings in mind and don't make wrong decisions even if you cant make the right one, for fear of hurting everyone you love. I cant decide what is best for me, because sometimes it seems as though I don't matter. I would love to have a 7 day forecast of my life so at least I can be somewhat prepared. Maybe a manual to go by would help. Use the index to look up hard problems your going through and be able to turn right to the answer. Sorda like an open book test for your life.
One of these days everything will be simpler, it has to be....
One of these days everything will be simpler, it has to be....
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Please Winter Dont Leave Me Now........
I feel like I have been hit by a truck! My head hurts (not migraine bad but darn near close), I cant breathe, my chest hurts and ribs because of all the coughing, and my eyes are taking an awful long time to focus!! SPRING!!!! This is why I like winter, as unlikely as it sounds you don't get nearly as sick in the winter and you do in the spring and summer.
Yep you guessed it this entry will be nothing but full of complaints, I haven't done that a lot in these things but, come on! I think I should get a break!
Gotta go back to work tonight I had two nights where I have been able to sleep in my own bed, under my own covers, ahhhh it was wonderful! But 12 hour shifts for the next 5 nights not very exciting to me! No offense to the patients of course cause there great!
.... Okay I'm done complaining. (actually I have just run out of things to complain about, trust me if I had more I would go on and on and on and......)
Yep you guessed it this entry will be nothing but full of complaints, I haven't done that a lot in these things but, come on! I think I should get a break!
Gotta go back to work tonight I had two nights where I have been able to sleep in my own bed, under my own covers, ahhhh it was wonderful! But 12 hour shifts for the next 5 nights not very exciting to me! No offense to the patients of course cause there great!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Off the Wagon
So I dont proclaim by any means to know the struggles and the obstcales that addicts face. I dont think I have ever in my life been addicted to anything. Well unless face book counts and I dont think there is a rehab for facebook addicts, if there was I would be first to say, "Hello, my name is Heather and facebook has taken over my life". However as much as I am on there I am still able to maintain and hold down a job, homeschool the kids and support my family. So I may just think I am addicted and not really be who knows!
Fer has struggled however and know what its like to be addicted to things. In Feb, 3 years ago he entered a program in Nashville called Pathfinders, what a wonderful place to give you wonderful tools that will allow you the ability to stand up to this "disease" and become a conquerer.
They had so much for him to do there and more importantly they had things for the family to do and participate in. They had family visits on Sunday and although I couldnt make them someone did, my mom, dad, and others went to visit him. They had a family weekend that I did get to attend and it lasted like 3 days. Wow I learned so much there, I was able to learn about what all he was going through and how he would struggle with this the rest of his life. It was so hard to hear, and I can imagine what he went through getting sober and clean and chooseing that life is so much more important.
I learned that it is something that you will have to work at for the rest of your life in order not to fall off the wagon (lose sobrity). I also learned that once you are given the tools to overcome this disorder, you know have a choice, once you step up and understand it everything becomes a choice. Do you choose to pick up that drink or drug or do you choose your life, your kids, your family, anything that is important to you.
Having to go through the things I am now, when someone falls off that wagon, is so hard. Espically when you relize you have been holding him up trying to carry them when they let go along time ago. You have so many questions, could I have done something different? why did you give up? Why was we not worth it? And all the answers are the same for us, It was THEIR choice. We feel helpless, and sad for them, but no matter what we have to relize that life dont stop when they fall. You still have to keep moving forward. Life Goes On, or so they say, even though whoever came up with that I hardley think they were family of an addict!
All I can do now is smile and be happy and not look back, all I can do is hope that when they figure out they fell they can pick theirself up and run like mad to catch back up, and if not.... "Life Goes On". right?
Fer has struggled however and know what its like to be addicted to things. In Feb, 3 years ago he entered a program in Nashville called Pathfinders, what a wonderful place to give you wonderful tools that will allow you the ability to stand up to this "disease" and become a conquerer.
They had so much for him to do there and more importantly they had things for the family to do and participate in. They had family visits on Sunday and although I couldnt make them someone did, my mom, dad, and others went to visit him. They had a family weekend that I did get to attend and it lasted like 3 days. Wow I learned so much there, I was able to learn about what all he was going through and how he would struggle with this the rest of his life. It was so hard to hear, and I can imagine what he went through getting sober and clean and chooseing that life is so much more important.
I learned that it is something that you will have to work at for the rest of your life in order not to fall off the wagon (lose sobrity). I also learned that once you are given the tools to overcome this disorder, you know have a choice, once you step up and understand it everything becomes a choice. Do you choose to pick up that drink or drug or do you choose your life, your kids, your family, anything that is important to you.
Having to go through the things I am now, when someone falls off that wagon, is so hard. Espically when you relize you have been holding him up trying to carry them when they let go along time ago. You have so many questions, could I have done something different? why did you give up? Why was we not worth it? And all the answers are the same for us, It was THEIR choice. We feel helpless, and sad for them, but no matter what we have to relize that life dont stop when they fall. You still have to keep moving forward. Life Goes On, or so they say, even though whoever came up with that I hardley think they were family of an addict!
All I can do now is smile and be happy and not look back, all I can do is hope that when they figure out they fell they can pick theirself up and run like mad to catch back up, and if not.... "Life Goes On". right?
According to Him.....
According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh... no...
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. (you, you)
According to you. (you, you)
According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh... no...
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. (you, you)
According to you. (you, you)
According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
Just Another Day As a Homeschool MOM!!
Wow our day has been crazy as of now, we got up at 6:30 to get ready for a doctors appointment this morning. Fun fun! When we got home we went straight to the Library to start on some work. They hate going to the library,lol. It seems though it is the only place that I can get them to really hunker ( is that a word, hee hee) down and really get some work done.
So were here now and its already like 1, we have been here a couple hours. As I sit here I can see them talking, the loud cough at least gets there attention. Then comes the look, oh they know the look, the one that says if you don't stop and do your work you are in soooooo much trouble. The look that says you best get your butt in gear or everything you know and love will cease to exist except bread, water, and school! They get "that look". With a Quick nod there back with there eyes on the paper at least attempting to do there work!
Once we leave here Mariah has Drama Class tonight, she LOVES drama class. It is a class she can dance and get some of her energy out. All Christian Drama, such a moving presentation when the perform. Its awesome to see them enjoy themselves and deliver a powerful message all at once.
I think that's all we have planned for the night, at least I hope. Considering the s decided to pull a late nighter and stay up as late as they wanted, despite many "looks" and discipline, the fact they got up at 6 this morning they are dragging! HA HA! Next time you will go to bed!
Now its time to go grade some papers and see how big of a fire I can light under their seats to attempt to get them hustleing, without the librarian smelling smoke! Wish me luck!
So were here now and its already like 1, we have been here a couple hours. As I sit here I can see them talking, the loud cough at least gets there attention. Then comes the look, oh they know the look, the one that says if you don't stop and do your work you are in soooooo much trouble. The look that says you best get your butt in gear or everything you know and love will cease to exist except bread, water, and school! They get "that look". With a Quick nod there back with there eyes on the paper at least attempting to do there work!
Once we leave here Mariah has Drama Class tonight, she LOVES drama class. It is a class she can dance and get some of her energy out. All Christian Drama, such a moving presentation when the perform. Its awesome to see them enjoy themselves and deliver a powerful message all at once.
I think that's all we have planned for the night, at least I hope. Considering the s decided to pull a late nighter and stay up as late as they wanted, despite many "looks" and discipline, the fact they got up at 6 this morning they are dragging! HA HA! Next time you will go to bed!
Now its time to go grade some papers and see how big of a fire I can light under their seats to attempt to get them hustleing, without the librarian smelling smoke! Wish me luck!
Not to Good.....
Okay, so the doctor didn't go as expected. Jordan has had such a hard time the last couple months. His first surgery when he was two was a life saver, I am so thankful. I just wished it had lasted longer than 8 years, I know wishful thinking.
Hes getting considerabley worse everyday, so back to Dr Kendall we went! After much discussion we have decided that our best option is to try a temporary fix and have botox injected into his esophagus. We tried having him dilated a few months ago but it hasn't helped any. This will help at the month 6 months meaning he will have to get the botox at least twice a year (ouch). When he explained it he said that some people have to be dilated every month or after a few weeks, so I am soooo hoping that will not be the case.
Our other option that he didn't want to do right now, he wants to wait at least two weeks to see if this is going to work, is to redo the fundoplication all over again. Do to his recent prolapsed fundo these are about our only two options. If it does come to the surgery we can either go back down to Vanderbilt or follow the doctor that did his first surgery which now is at the mayo clinic in Florida. He was so wonderful the first time so of course we wanna go back there but what is actually best for us as a family, to stay closer to home, so that maybe I can get back to work sooner, seeing as we are a one income family of course finances is a major issue espically since we just got dropped from insurance.....
Please pray for everything to fall into place. I read somewhere off someones status the other day that God wouldn't bring you to it if he couldn't bring you through it, and I know that to be true. Hoping we dont even have to go to it though, hee hee!
UGHHHH life gives you lemons....and the are rotten! Just my luck.
Hes getting considerabley worse everyday, so back to Dr Kendall we went! After much discussion we have decided that our best option is to try a temporary fix and have botox injected into his esophagus. We tried having him dilated a few months ago but it hasn't helped any. This will help at the month 6 months meaning he will have to get the botox at least twice a year (ouch). When he explained it he said that some people have to be dilated every month or after a few weeks, so I am soooo hoping that will not be the case.
Our other option that he didn't want to do right now, he wants to wait at least two weeks to see if this is going to work, is to redo the fundoplication all over again. Do to his recent prolapsed fundo these are about our only two options. If it does come to the surgery we can either go back down to Vanderbilt or follow the doctor that did his first surgery which now is at the mayo clinic in Florida. He was so wonderful the first time so of course we wanna go back there but what is actually best for us as a family, to stay closer to home, so that maybe I can get back to work sooner, seeing as we are a one income family of course finances is a major issue espically since we just got dropped from insurance.....
Please pray for everything to fall into place. I read somewhere off someones status the other day that God wouldn't bring you to it if he couldn't bring you through it, and I know that to be true. Hoping we dont even have to go to it though, hee hee!
UGHHHH life gives you lemons....and the are rotten! Just my luck.
Monday, March 29, 2010
To Take Offense...
Okay so me and dad had an arguement today! Not the first and Im sure wont be the last. Oaybe I have a hard time expressing myself, maybe I am just nieve, but when someone says how are you doing, I think they really wanna know how your doing! Geesh!
I hate it when you can see something that the other person cant. I know they must think the same about me. They look at me and say, ugh why cant she see this is no good for her, or is she really that blind? But you know what? I say the same thing people! Why cant you see that?
Sometimes, I think we see it though. I know there are several things I see that "I should no better", and I choose to act ignorant or blind, for fear of losing something or not wanting to change something. Does that even make since? This is apperently one of those blogs your going to read and think..... WHAT???
SO to make ME happy, everyone please open your eyes and see things my way, this will help us to avoid further bligs like this? Is that really to much to ask people!
I hate it when you can see something that the other person cant. I know they must think the same about me. They look at me and say, ugh why cant she see this is no good for her, or is she really that blind? But you know what? I say the same thing people! Why cant you see that?
Sometimes, I think we see it though. I know there are several things I see that "I should no better", and I choose to act ignorant or blind, for fear of losing something or not wanting to change something. Does that even make since? This is apperently one of those blogs your going to read and think..... WHAT???
SO to make ME happy, everyone please open your eyes and see things my way, this will help us to avoid further bligs like this? Is that really to much to ask people!
Abide the Law....
Ohhhh wow!!! Now this my friends is a movie. It had my attention the whole time! I was always wondering what was going to happen next! The only down fall was the language! Ugh one of my pet peeves is language and this for sure made you look around and check to make sure your kids wasnt there. Oh and Im not a Jamie Fox fan and hes in it, but he did ok...
Clyde Shelton (Gerald Butler) is an family man whose wife and daughter are brutally murdered during a robbery. When the killers are caught, Nick Rice (Jamie Foxx) is assigned to the case. Over his objections, Nick is forced by his boss to offer one of the suspects a light sentence in exchange for testifying against his partner.Yep you guessed it Clyde is FURIOUS! Fast forward ten years. The man who got away with murder is found dead and Clyde Shelton coolly admits his guilt. Then he issues a warning to Nick: Either fix the flawed justice system that failed his family, or key players in the trial will die.
Rating - R for strong bloody brutal violence and torture, a scene of rape and pervasive language. ** NO KIDS**
So I say........ Yay go buy it!!
Clyde Shelton (Gerald Butler) is an family man whose wife and daughter are brutally murdered during a robbery. When the killers are caught, Nick Rice (Jamie Foxx) is assigned to the case. Over his objections, Nick is forced by his boss to offer one of the suspects a light sentence in exchange for testifying against his partner.Yep you guessed it Clyde is FURIOUS! Fast forward ten years. The man who got away with murder is found dead and Clyde Shelton coolly admits his guilt. Then he issues a warning to Nick: Either fix the flawed justice system that failed his family, or key players in the trial will die.
Rating - R for strong bloody brutal violence and torture, a scene of rape and pervasive language. ** NO KIDS**
So I say........ Yay go buy it!!
Up In The Air...
Okay I'm a George Clooney fan to an extent but everytime i seen this advertise I said the same thing...."that's gonna be stupid". I'm not sure why but for some reason the appeal was not there.
Being a big movie guru I have rented out red box, I'm seriously running out of things to watch from there. I went ahead and rented it seeing as my choices were running slim, and okay get a pen ready, I was WRONG. The movie was cute. Now its not let go buy it and watch it everynight worthy but for a movie that you find yourself smiling at frequently this is for sure worth renting!
The movie is a bout a man, Ryan Bingham, a frequent flyer and corporate down sizer! Meaning he flys to you and fires you! But I must say if I had to get fired who better to do it! A very single alone man, who is relatively happy, meets the frequent flying woman of his dreams that he never really wished for. When his company becomes the one in jeopardy of shutting down, he takes a young business woman wanting to take over his position and gives her a taste of his world. If you think this is a case of single man meets single woman and lives happily ever after, well think again! Great story plot and wonderful actor!
Starring : George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman, Danny McBride
So I say.... Go rent it!
Being a big movie guru I have rented out red box, I'm seriously running out of things to watch from there. I went ahead and rented it seeing as my choices were running slim, and okay get a pen ready, I was WRONG. The movie was cute. Now its not let go buy it and watch it everynight worthy but for a movie that you find yourself smiling at frequently this is for sure worth renting!
The movie is a bout a man, Ryan Bingham, a frequent flyer and corporate down sizer! Meaning he flys to you and fires you! But I must say if I had to get fired who better to do it! A very single alone man, who is relatively happy, meets the frequent flying woman of his dreams that he never really wished for. When his company becomes the one in jeopardy of shutting down, he takes a young business woman wanting to take over his position and gives her a taste of his world. If you think this is a case of single man meets single woman and lives happily ever after, well think again! Great story plot and wonderful actor!
Starring : George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Jason Bateman, Danny McBride
So I say.... Go rent it!
The Glue
So, me and mom was sitting around talking, and I informed her that I thought she (mom) was like my glue. She laughed not know what i meant so I went on to explain to her, that she was what held everyone together. I'm not sure what we will do without her if anything ever happens. To me glue keeps things together no matter what. She is what keeps our whole family close, she keeps things from falling apart.
By Definition glue means: a mixture that adheres or bonds items together. See it fits! Everyone needs a little glue in their life.
Now just so were clear, glue has cons as well as pros! Glue is messy, and you cant remove glue so your stuck with it! See can be bad!
LOL Funny as it is, I don't have a chance to thank my glue as much as I should,and let her know how much she is needed, so thank you glue for holding on when I cant, and for sticking on me no matter how many times I try to push you off! Hee Hee
By Definition glue means: a mixture that adheres or bonds items together. See it fits! Everyone needs a little glue in their life.
Now just so were clear, glue has cons as well as pros! Glue is messy, and you cant remove glue so your stuck with it! See can be bad!
LOL Funny as it is, I don't have a chance to thank my glue as much as I should,and let her know how much she is needed, so thank you glue for holding on when I cant, and for sticking on me no matter how many times I try to push you off! Hee Hee
Thursday, March 25, 2010
In the Light
In The Light
I keep trying to find a life
On my own apart from you
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
(Tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light
This desease of self runs through my blood (through my blood)
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every help on my behalf has failed
to bring this sickness under control
(So tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light
(BRIDGE)
Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth
(Tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light (2x)
[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be
I keep trying to find a life
On my own apart from you
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
(Tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light
This desease of self runs through my blood (through my blood)
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every help on my behalf has failed
to bring this sickness under control
(So tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light
(BRIDGE)
Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth
(Tell me) what's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
(This only) serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
(CHORUS)
I wanna be in the light
as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars
in the Heavens
Oh, Lord be my light
and be my Salvation
'cause all I want is to be in the light (2x)
[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be
Monday, March 22, 2010
Need You Now....
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Owen Thomas Rose
Yay, hes here, Welcome to the family lil O, or should I say BIG O! At a very nice size of 8 pounds and 9 oz and 20 inches long! Beautiful baby boy! Big O has huge hands that wrap all the around your finger, and feet that stretch out long! Hes his daddys boy, a lil look alike Jeff, what more can you ask for he is just adorable. Sporting a head full of dark brown locks, he is sure to be a heartbreaker!
The experience did not go as smoothly as we would have liked this morning but through the whole process I have laughed so hard my sides hurt. Around 1:45 this morning Tara rang my phone, after just falling asleep I guess Im lucky I heard it. She said she thinks her water broke and she couldnt get ahold of mom. Before I knew it I was jumping up and headed to get mom UP!!! Well you all know mom so 2 hours later!!, we were on our way!
When we finally got to the hospital I suggested we park in the garage right beside the ER door but mom said no no no we have to go in the front door! After walking probably a mile straight up hill, and trying every door except the one I suggested, we ended up right back where I said and going through the ER door!! ( Just so you know it was freezing!!)
Finally getting to the floor where Tara was, mom thought she needed to go to the bathroom ( did I forget to mention she was sick with flu like symptoms!) After about 15 minutes I went looking for her to check and make sure she was okay, much to my surprise she was no where to be found, until I looked up and saw her coming out of the MENS room! I am not sure what was more funny seeing her coming out of the MENS room or her reaction when she finally relized that " OMG NO, the MENS room!"! Funny stuff I tell you!
At 4:04 our little, well big, bundle of joy arrives! We left to rush home for the kiddos and all the way home she was crying! She was crying that when she got home she was going to cry!! Oh lord do we need some prayers!! She could probably use one too, hee hee!
What a fun filled day we had already, this is the day the Lord has made!! As rough as my days have been the last couple, Im sure he is happy to see me smiling, after all I would be to see my child smile again!
And as a Little present to see my lil sis, I have written her a song!
Water on the ground! Water on the Ground! Looking like a momma with your water on the ground!!!!!!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Who woulda thought....
Its been a long night, after such a bad day. Lots of thinking and wondering if i had done things differently where would I be at right now. The truth is I dont think i would go back and change a thing, even though some people I know would like to change a few things aboutwhere I have been and the directions that I have taken.
The truth is, I kinda like me. I mean I am a mom which is one of the things that I always wanted to be. I have a great career in a field I always knew I would be in. I have great friends who support me in what I do and chose even if isnt always the right or easy thing to do. I have a ongoing Faith even though I am very inquizitive when Im hurt. That to me is a pretty good foundation.
Sure to be rich and travel to foreign lands may be an addition I would like to add, you never know maybe one day. If you had ask me when I was 17 where I would be right now, I wont lie, I would not have said here. Maybe where I wanted to be wasnt where I was supposed to be. Maybe going through the trials that I have and am, allows me to be an example or at least a survivor. Maybe where I am right now, is where i belonged all along... hmmm.... Who woulda thought?
The truth is, I kinda like me. I mean I am a mom which is one of the things that I always wanted to be. I have a great career in a field I always knew I would be in. I have great friends who support me in what I do and chose even if isnt always the right or easy thing to do. I have a ongoing Faith even though I am very inquizitive when Im hurt. That to me is a pretty good foundation.
Sure to be rich and travel to foreign lands may be an addition I would like to add, you never know maybe one day. If you had ask me when I was 17 where I would be right now, I wont lie, I would not have said here. Maybe where I wanted to be wasnt where I was supposed to be. Maybe going through the trials that I have and am, allows me to be an example or at least a survivor. Maybe where I am right now, is where i belonged all along... hmmm.... Who woulda thought?
Where were you?
Dear God,
It was a bad day. I looked for you but in the midst of all the pain you were not there. Well, maybe you was but I didnt see you, I didnt feel you and I didnt hear you. Where were you, I needed you today.
I cired alot today. Things were hard, and I was weak. My heart broke today. Friendships were scar'd and relationships were torn apart. I broke today. Where were you, I needed you today.
Trust was broke today. Hard work was undone, years were set back, and disappoinment set in. My head hang low today. Now it just hurts and wont go away. Where were you? I needed you today.
Now that its quite and things are calmed down, I feel foolish and sad. I feel alone and mad. I think back on your promise that you will always be there and you will never leave me. I think back to your promise to never give me more than I can bear. Knowing who you are, almighty and powerful, loving and forgiving, trusting and kind, I know that you must have been there; but where were you, because I needed you today.
signed, Broken
It was a bad day. I looked for you but in the midst of all the pain you were not there. Well, maybe you was but I didnt see you, I didnt feel you and I didnt hear you. Where were you, I needed you today.
I cired alot today. Things were hard, and I was weak. My heart broke today. Friendships were scar'd and relationships were torn apart. I broke today. Where were you, I needed you today.
Trust was broke today. Hard work was undone, years were set back, and disappoinment set in. My head hang low today. Now it just hurts and wont go away. Where were you? I needed you today.
Now that its quite and things are calmed down, I feel foolish and sad. I feel alone and mad. I think back on your promise that you will always be there and you will never leave me. I think back to your promise to never give me more than I can bear. Knowing who you are, almighty and powerful, loving and forgiving, trusting and kind, I know that you must have been there; but where were you, because I needed you today.
signed, Broken
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Need a Good Cry?
Wow, just finished watching A Travelers Wife. I have to admit at first I thought that it was gonna be a very silly movie, either hard to follow or unbelieveable. After reading the bad rating and stars it got, I was pretty sure I was going to be right, it seems like no one liked it.
I guess Im just wierd because I thought it was a very good movie, and Im not so sure you need to be able to believe it to actually enjoy it. I think it beings up many topics you can discuss and many points people think about in its own way. Would it be worth knowing what was going to happen? Who you was going to marry? When you was going to die? Or would it be harder to let go? I am still undecided because it kinda showed good and bad points to both sides! Either way it gave you those moments to smile to, many moements to cry to, and an over all "I could watch this again feeling".
No matter what the critics say, no matter who dont like this movie I am pro time travel now ;)
What I know
I dont claim to have all the answers. I am not a perfect person. There are things however, that I know for sure.
The things that I know for sure are not many. I know that the most important thing in this world to me are my 3 precious babies. I know that the day Mariah was born, what it would be like to give your life for someone. I also learned that I was going to have my hands full. When Jordan was born I learned that no matter how hard and how difficult something may be, it is worth it. When Hannah was born I learned that not everything was difficult, and that no matter how small the package, the joy could be overflowing.
God trusted me to choose right and teach right for these 3 little miracles, if I mess up if I dont get things right there is no do-overs. Pray for me and I will pray for you, in the world we live in now, we all need it!
The things that I know for sure are not many. I know that the most important thing in this world to me are my 3 precious babies. I know that the day Mariah was born, what it would be like to give your life for someone. I also learned that I was going to have my hands full. When Jordan was born I learned that no matter how hard and how difficult something may be, it is worth it. When Hannah was born I learned that not everything was difficult, and that no matter how small the package, the joy could be overflowing.
God trusted me to choose right and teach right for these 3 little miracles, if I mess up if I dont get things right there is no do-overs. Pray for me and I will pray for you, in the world we live in now, we all need it!
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