Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Update on Jordan
Went to the doctor for the first time, after getting back from Nashville. He is doing tremendously better but still has his bad days! I told the Dr that we would take him being sick 3 days instead of 7 any day! Our doctor is determined to get him 100 % better! So he has a dilitation appointment on the 26th, to have the fundoplication stretched again. Please keep him in your prayers for the procedure, although it is not nearly as extensive as the big surgery, they still have to put him to sleep, and no matter how small that may be a mom still worries! I will keep you updated!
Letting Go Takes Love
Awesome new poem someone sent me in my alanon group, now if I can just remember it all !
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hitting Bottom
So ferlin came to the house early this morning while we were headed to the library. He said "I have a problem". They teach you in alanon that is the first step for them, but to be careful not to fall back into the fixit mode. I simply told Ferlin ok, what are you going to do about it. SOOO proud of ME! He found a place a few hours later that said they would take him in for Detox.
I drove him up there, boy was that a trip! Fussin the whole way from him, I just went in to my I cant fix him zone and happily sang along with the radio. When he threw up I wont go then, I simply said well thats up to you! After all he wasnt doing me any favors!
Sooo heres where we are, he entered detox this morning, while in there they are trying to get him into a rehab program where he will go 28 days, then he should be able to come home or go to a halfway house for 90 days. As much as this is about him and Im trying to change my focus to me, hearing him say he had a problem and finally getting the help that everyone knows he needs, makes me do my happy dance, just a little one on the inside, but im still doing it.
I drove him up there, boy was that a trip! Fussin the whole way from him, I just went in to my I cant fix him zone and happily sang along with the radio. When he threw up I wont go then, I simply said well thats up to you! After all he wasnt doing me any favors!
Sooo heres where we are, he entered detox this morning, while in there they are trying to get him into a rehab program where he will go 28 days, then he should be able to come home or go to a halfway house for 90 days. As much as this is about him and Im trying to change my focus to me, hearing him say he had a problem and finally getting the help that everyone knows he needs, makes me do my happy dance, just a little one on the inside, but im still doing it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The man in the glass
The Man In The Glass .
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The invisible mom
got this from a homeschool loop its awesome
Invisible Mother.....
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been
added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Invisible Mother.....
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?,What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been
added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did.
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Just Push Play!
So over the past two months I have struggled with a very sick son, not leting the kids fall behind in school, still keeping up a full time schedule and trying to "fix" Fer. I have came to the conclusion that I cant do it. I ran into a friend who introduced me to an online alanon meeting since i never have any time to go to a face to face meeting.
Today was day 1 atthe meeting and I tell you what the first day has completely changed my life! I have learned so much in this class, I think I will go every day! I feel so not alone there! These people have been through the exact same things I am going through, they have wonderful advice, and ways to change my thoughts from fixing him and onto fixing me. I am going to start working on the same steps that he is working on, and just apply them to my life. I have to give up the "fix it mottos" that I have and start trying to just move on.
For so many months now I feel like I have been on pause, well its time to push play!
TOnight I learned two or three of the cheesiest saying but they have really stuck with me, I was so focused on him, the say " hocus pocus change your focus" and I told them going through the day smileing makes me feel like im lieing to myself because on the inside I dont feel that way, they say " fake it till you make it "!
I sent ferlin a text letting him know that I loved him, and I hope he gets things right, so now all I can do is find the courage to push play!
Today was day 1 atthe meeting and I tell you what the first day has completely changed my life! I have learned so much in this class, I think I will go every day! I feel so not alone there! These people have been through the exact same things I am going through, they have wonderful advice, and ways to change my thoughts from fixing him and onto fixing me. I am going to start working on the same steps that he is working on, and just apply them to my life. I have to give up the "fix it mottos" that I have and start trying to just move on.
For so many months now I feel like I have been on pause, well its time to push play!
TOnight I learned two or three of the cheesiest saying but they have really stuck with me, I was so focused on him, the say " hocus pocus change your focus" and I told them going through the day smileing makes me feel like im lieing to myself because on the inside I dont feel that way, they say " fake it till you make it "!
I sent ferlin a text letting him know that I loved him, and I hope he gets things right, so now all I can do is find the courage to push play!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Okay so I havent blogged in a while, we have been so busy with jordan. I thought I would catch up now. So we made it to Vandi and the doctors were amazing. We had a doctor in there so much i was kinda getting sick of them, total opposite from UT. They of course had alot more tests to run.
They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.
After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.
We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!
They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.
After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.
We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!
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