No plans....

Looks like its going to be another lax day around here. We don't have many plans, with it being memorial day and all that's a lil surprising, but with everything going on I'm not sure I could take the traffic.

We got ballgames this evening with the girlies, and then may go rent movies and lay around and watch them, that sure sounds fun, but we'll see what happens.

Wasted days :)

Wow such a boring day, I love it! We did a whole lot of nothing! I went to sleep about 10 and got up at 1 and we watching the race until about 11 and then went to bed. Now for some of you that think thats a wasted day, well you are soooo wrong! It was the best most relaxed day that I have had in a very long time. Just me and the fam hanging out!

Wonder if we can do it again tomorrow!

Hanging in there

Had a little bit of a rough day today, which is a lil crazy considering i slept most of it. Things in my life are slowly getting better, not because they actually are but because I'm not letting things bother me so easily anymore. I have changed my whole thoughts on life over the last couple of weeks and am dealing with the fact that we are in control of our own happiness. Seeing as like to be right all the time, I can deal with this. Because after all its you that is in control of your feelings. When you feel hurt, you can change your feelings, when you feel hate you can change those as well.

I guess I'm dealing with being overwhelmed right now. Which is a bit difficult to change, considering if you try to change that, the things your overwhelmed with still are there. I read an interesting quote today "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on". I guess that's where I am, at the end of my rope. Some people are having a hard time with me right now because they have a different way of handling things. That's okay though, I'm happier.

i wish that i could make people just see things my way. Not so much as agree with me and the way things I'm doing just be able to see and say " hey, I see what your doing". It is so empowering and lonely at the same time when you step away from your old ways, because in your old ways you left behind those who you were closest to. You just hope that one day they will walk beside you in the idea that your your on person, with your own mind, and you have the ability to make your on decisions.

So I'm just hanging here on the end of my rope for now ;)

Just another day.

So Jordan has not been having very good days, he seems to feel awful anymore. Were just hanging in there till our next appointment with Dr Kendall. He seems to be throwing up anymore alot which he wasn't able to do. Every since they dilated him he seems worse.

Fer had his appointment today with Lisa his Life Coach. That's what their calling her now. I loved the fact that she let me come back there with him and seem to really understand me. She seemed to be able to communicate with Fer and let him know how i was feeling in a way he seems to be totally accepting to which was great. He said very nice things about me in there, I'm not sure if that was to make me feel better or because that was what he genuinely wanted me to know.

He has to keep calling the CSU to try to get into the rehab program they have there for 21 days, hes still doing AA meetings even though the last couple days he has made an excuse not to go which kinda concerns me. He has an appointment with The Dr at the Helen Ross Mcnabb center on the 9th and with the Social Security Office on the 10th, so things are moving along quickly. I think that's good for him, seeing things rolling along.

The Girls softball got rained out which really sucks because I had someone agree to work over for me so I could watch all of Mariah's game this time. Seems like my luck!


Well off to work again, just another day.

Just a lil Laugh

So one of the things I am learning is that through all the hard things we have to either laugh or cry... so today i choose to laugh. Here are a few jokes that I saw...

For all us co dependants out there...

Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine.
The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go.
The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released.
As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."

For all the AA and alanon goers:

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o’clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn’t-it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory" says his wife. "Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the stoner replies.



A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".

So Not Happy

Fer had an appointment today at this new life coach's place in Knoxville. We were up there nearly 2 and a half hours before we were told she wasn't in. Do you know how angry I was! We had asked numerous times how much longer and it wasn't until we was there for 2 hours that someone actually started looking into things!

When we got home the kids had got new bath suits. Oh my lord at Mariahs, it was this lime green string bikini. Yep, I about flipped out. Mom actually said that's how there making them now?? Oh no! there is no way my lil girls going out in that now, I don't care how old shes getting and if it was in the juniors section or not. I simply laughed and said " um, I don't even think so", yea so she wasn't happy, but that's okay if it means my 12 year old, stays a 12 year old!

Wow what is this world coming to, whatever happen to modesty! Yeah I had a pretty not so good day but its sorta like that Kurt Franklin song says " aint no one gonna take my Joy away". I'm liking this little constant happy dance I'm in now!

Meditations, Procedures, and Sesame Street???

I have to tell you what my girls said last night. Mariah seen me reading my new meditation book. and was like wow mom does that mean your going to sit with your legs crossed and say olmmmm with your eeys closed, when I left I guess that Hannah thought it was wrong because she matter of factly said no Mariah silly, meditation is where your float up in the air. I think I about died laughing so hard, they both just stared blankly!

Wow talk about a great cheer up last night! Man I love my babies. Ball games tonight with Hannah. Yea! That is about all I have to do today, ugh that means my day is going to creep by, espically with me thinking about Jordans procedure tomorrow, which is full blown surgery in my opinion. After all he will be put to sleep and they will be doing an invasive procedure, how much more surgery like can you get. HELLO?? When I think about this I get sick, ugh I can imagine how hes feeling.

My new life motto wont seem to let me dwell on this very long. Fake it till ya make it right? Therefor I sing loudly.... "Sunny Days, chasing the clouds away, can you tell me how to get, how to get to sesame street" hee hee! One day at a time!

Changing Plans

So today was a big day, Fer was released form detox. The plan was to take him straight from the place in Knoxville down to Nashville where he would enter his rehab program. Things never seem to work out the way I plan for them to, That's part of this wonderful luck that I seem to have lol.

So they cant see him without him first getting in to rehab to see his regular psych doctor I guess is what there saying which is absolutely frustrating! He called his case work whom he seems to be infatuated with, Lisa. She is having to be at the hospital with her mom tomorrow because she is having knee surgery ( this plays into some more luck of mine). So the soonest she will be able to see him is on Thursday!

Trying to decide where he could stay until the mean time is going to be hard because I don't want him to fall back into the same patterns he has been in before he went to detox, because well, all this would have been for nothing.

On a lighter note he seems to be happy... I mean he still is very depressed but he seems to be excited on his new venture in life. I guess we will see how long that lasts ;)

Mom handled things better than I thought she would. Yea sure, she asked over and over again, I thought he was going to rehab and I told her the same things I was told by him as I heard them. She like me just inst understanding. I guess from our point of you we want to scream " their finally saying they need help, HELP THEM".
Our screams however dont seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear though.

And on a lighter note I still ha vent got to see the finale of lost!!! It kept freezing up on the computer that night and as soon as I got in the car they were talking about purgatory, which I turned because on of my theories involved purgatory so omg if that's how lost ends I'm going to be so mad that I heard about it before hand!! I don't think I will even have time to watch it before I go back into work. I will say however that OI am hearing mixxed feelings about it, some loved it some hated it. I just hope its not another Prison Break ending where you hope so bad for them to finally be able to lie happily ever after and then He dies, WTH ( what the heck ;) ).

Oh well live learn and then get luvs, right?

Quite days

What a long night at work..... I hate nights like these. been talking on this step chat to some new friends I am making. I stopped by the book store on the way in and picked up some alanon books so that on my down moments here I will have something to do.

Ferlin was transfered to the other side today, the side where they can get him on the meds that he needs. He seems to really be doing okay. I mean he sounds week and tired, and is easily irritated, but for the most part he sounds good.

Jordan had a good day yesterday too. The girls did the softball thing. All in all it seemed to be a pretty quite day, and sometimes days like that its great!

Just another day

I am feeling pretty cruddy today. I havent been sick in a while, but there is something about today that is just making me feel blah, all my bones are achy, im chilling and I am so super tired.

There isnt alot that has went on in my day today, kids actually did there work good today, and I watched my neice and nephew today. I talked to ferlin this morning at 7 and again at 6 tonight. He has to rush to get everything in he wants to say to me and the kids, and for somereason I am still sinceing some kind of attitude he has. I know that this was a big step for him, but he is still very short with his answers and seems to anger very easily.

They have him on so much medicine up there I am just wondering after they detx him from the drugs and alchocol if they will need to detox him for all that, hmm, just dont make alot of since to me. He seems to be hitting some kind of depression that he went into before, and on Friday they will be transfering him to the other side to where he will be put back on his normal meds, hopefully that will help with that.

I am trying to adjust to this new life about me and the kids, I cant help but feel a little relief when he isnt around. I love him so much and I hope with everything that I has that he is able to beat his addiction and be the kind of dad that God has meant for him to be.

I guess right now my biggest struggle is my family, no one seems to understand me, and why I continue to hold out hope. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I wish that I felt like I had a little support though, seems like that would make it easier on me. The last things these babies want is a broken family, and you would thank that they would try to understand that. I talked alot about that today in an alanon class and all they could tell me is that I have to listen to me, I just wish I could fgure out what "me" was saying. I know with all there hidden comments and feelings about it, I am learning very quickly that I cant talk with them, so I will keep my feelings to myself. It would be awesome to be bale to have them to talk to but I am learning that there agenda is not the same to them. Which I am trying to understand, and I do in a way. They are the ones that have seen me hurt, and for that Im sorry, but people do change, and I am just so glad that God didnt give up on me while I was changing!

Ugh, well I guess I am going to head and lay down! Got a big day tomorrow, gonna go talk about 4 h camp, yep I am thinking about letting Mariah go. Thats a whole week!!! I am so proud of me!

Okay so I havent blogged in a while, we have been so busy with jordan. I thought I would catch up now. So we made it to Vandi and the doctors were amazing. We had a doctor in there so much i was kinda getting sick of them, total opposite from UT. They of course had alot more tests to run.

They found several things that they did not find up here. The found that he was severly constipated which was very concerning to them, they found swollen lymph nodes and nodules in his abdomen, they confirmed the gastritis and they found a paraesphogeal hernia. YEP ALOT.

After they got him on meds for the constipation and the gastritis, they told us the swollen nodules were caused by the infection and would more than likely within the next few weeks begin to decrease in size, that was what was causig him all the pain. The gastritis should clear up with the meds.

We were down there 4 days and gonna get all the other problems taken care of before we adress the hernia. So still needing lots of prayer!

One more day to Vandi

So we have one more day till we head down to Vanderbilt. Still dont think Ferlin will be going with us, he hasnt called. With everything that Jordan is going through its just sad. We are hoping to leave out early at 5:30. Long drive down so going to go to bed early. thanks everyone in advance for the prayers.

Cookout with the Fam!

We havent gotten together with Dad and Suzy for a long time. So today they did a cookout at the park. What a beautiful day to have it! Sun shinning breeze blowing. Kids everywhere. The only bad part about it was the fact that Shyla didnt feel good. Yummy food!

Everyone leads such busy lives anymore, its really hard to settle down and get everyone together, but today it was done.

I also got to see some of my homeschool friends that was walking the trail. With jordan being sick and The Miles family and the death of their child, everyone has been distant. It was great to see them and get a chance to let them know I was thinking about them and they were thinking of us.

Continueing to pray for the Miles family. She died Wednesday morning at 6:00, I can not even imagine what Vicki is going through right now, but Courtney is home and cancer free now! Thank you Jesus for saving me!

My Seven Day Forecast

Man do I need a seven day forecast for my life. Think about it, how cool would it be to know what days to watch out for and when to bring and umbrella because of the rain!

Take my last week for example, Monday - surgery = rain! Tuesday - cloudy with a chance of crying from Hannah! Wednesday - fits from Mariah with a chance of Ferlin. I mean where the heck are my sunny days!

Took Jordan to the doctor yesterday and they say we have no choice but to do the surgery. So on Thursday were going to meet a new surgeon. If we like him he will be doing the surgery in Knoxville. If we don't like him its back to Nashville we go! Hopefully they will get this done soon so that he will have a little of relief. He has taken more Phenergan in the last couple weeks than he has in 10 years.

There is an ozone warning saying that if you have allergies or asthma stay inside. for one whoever made this warning apperently didn't have kids!I have a feeling were going to have a whole lot of days like this. I mean after all its 80 and April, Lord have mercy on us in July!

Fundo what?

It looks as though Jordan is going to have to have the surgery done. He is not getting any relief from the small procedure that they did. The good news is that its eight years later. 8 years ago, the laproscopic fundoplication was new and very few doctors did it. We did find one in Nashville, Dr. Cyves, that would do it. He moved to Jacksonville Florida to work at the Mayo clinic.

There is a couple of great doctors around here that are doing it now, and I guess we have to make a decision on what to do. We can go to Jacksonville to get his doctor that he previously had, we can go to Nashville and get one of the doctors in the same practice to do it, or we can stay here and let one of the doctors at UT do it. Dr. Kendall seems very confident that the doctors around here can do a superb job, and coming from him that goes along ways! Decisions, decisions, decisions!!

Jordan has had 2 previous fundos, when he was 2 he had one that flipped inside out and they had to do it over. We were in the hospital for a total of around 2 months down there. This will be his third and with each surgery, comes more risks and complications. We are at the point now that we were then where we dont have much of a choice. His quality of life is non exsistant right now. He is taking phenergan about every 4 hours, causeing him to be overly tired, and if he chooses to not take the phenergan the pain from his retching is unbearable even to watch :(

I continue to remind myself that God will not give me more than I can handle, I know that God knows how I feel having to watch his own son suffer and even die for us.


What is fundoplication?

Fundoplication is the standard surgical method for treating gastro-esophageal reflux disease (GERD). GERD causes inflammation, pain (heartburn), and other serious complications (such as scarring and stricture) of the esophagus. GERD results when acid refluxes (regurgitates, or backwashes) from the stomach back up into the esophagus. Under normal conditions, there is a barrier to reflux of acid. One part of this barrier is the lower-most muscle of the esophagus (called the lower esophageal sphincter). Most of the time, this muscle is contracted (constricted, or tight), which closes off the esophagus from the stomach. In patients with GERD, the sphincter does not function normally. The muscle is either weak or relaxes inappropriately. Fundoplication is a surgical technique that strengthens the barrier to acid reflux when the sphincter does not function normally.

What happens during fundoplication?

During the fundoplication procedure, the part of the stomach that is closest to the entry of the esophagus (the fundus of the stomach) is gathered, wrapped, and sutured (sewn) around the lower end of the esophagus and the lower esophageal sphincter. (The gathering and suturing of one tissue to another is called plication.) This procedure increases the pressure at the lower end of the esophagus.

Also, during fundoplication, other surgical steps frequently are taken that also may reduce acid reflux. For instance, if the patient has a hiatal hernia (which occurs in 80% of patients with GERD), the hernial sac may be pulled down from the chest and sutured so that it remains within the abdomen. Additionally, the opening in the diaphragm through which the esophagus passes from the chest into the abdomen also may be tightened.

Go Rowdy Go

A little over a year ago i got into this nascar thing because of a patient that I take care of watches it. It used to be watch it and just pretend like I like it and carry on through the night, but not anymore. Now, its became a competition! He likes 2 guys and i like two totally different guys.

Last night was the best races I have ever seen. My two guys Rowdy and Edwards were in the 1st line, with his two guys right behind me in the second line! Brad Kesowski is so bad right now, always wrecking people and being young and cocky, it is almost unbearable. The only thing worse than him is how Nascar babies him. Well last night he got spanked!

Even after Rowdy got black flagged for doing the same thing that Brad did, he still came back in 16 laps to take first place! HAHAHA, we were both yelling, I was yelling something like go go go while he was yelling no no no!

Best race in a long time! Wait to go Kyle you kicked butt! That burn out should be documented as best EVER!!

Easter isnt a Holiday?!? What???

Rain Rain Rain!! UGHHHHH! Guess we can complain to bad cause of the beautiful days we have been having! Girls have softball practice this evening and Im thinking it will be canceled but who knows!

Gotta go back into work tonight, and Im actually looking foward to it. Nope dont like to work but Its sorda my getaway! Its my thinking time late at night I have a lot of down time because the patient sleep and I can get caught up on gradeing the kids work and thinking about plans, catching up on blogs, and talk to a few of my late night freinds. Home life has been so hectic with jordan being sick and the girls having practices and homeschooling.

I just called work to check on a check that was not deposited into the back and its waiting for me up there. When I asked to make sure that holiday pay for easter was on there they told me, that easter wasnt a holiday! WHAT!!! Oh dont get me wrong I love the guy I take care of, but if it wasnt for him I would so not be there. No PTO time, Very few holidays like CHristams and New Years I think there are 4, No vacation time. Sure the pay is good but all that other stuff adds up. There is absolutely no perks for working where I do. Sometimes it makes me just wanna quit. I mean heck Im a nurse I can get me a job anywhere I wanted to work, home health, hospital, nursing home, wherever! If my guy ever leaves I will be leaving to!

Well time to go get some stuff done! Later!

My awesome little guy....

Jordan went down to surgery this morning around 8. He wasn't scared and seemed fine. What a awesome lil guy he is. So many prayers were going up thanks for that, you can never have to many of those. Dr Kendall, which totally rocks, came in and said that if everything goes good that we could leave soon after it was over, and after being in the hospital for a night we were ready to get out of there.

Surgery went down good, he was quick to awaken after it and starved to death! He was taken up to his room and released. The doctor said he can eat or drink anything as tolerated so we let him pick the restaurant and he picked Red Robins! He loves there French fries and chicken!

Hes already had to have phenergan twice since we left so this is not a good start :(. I hope for him that this is going to work, but we are preparing for the worst and doing our research as to if we will go to Vanderbilt or Jacksonville, if this does not work.

Please Keep praying!!

Blessings, Bunnies, and Bats

Happy Easter. After several sad and angry posts I think Im back to my own self again! I am determined to make the most of a wonderful Easter day. All I wanna do is rush home and see the kiddos find there basket and enjoy themselves.

We told Mariah yesterday who about santa and the Easter Bunny. I think we have done a pretty good job keeping such a secret. I can remember how I found out. Seeing mom roll that bike in the living room. Such a devistation. Mariah will be 13 this year, lol, yep she is a little old, but you want to keep there innocence as long as possible. She took it well, maybe she sorda had an idea, after all most of her friends dont believe in this. Ahhhh.... shes growing up.

I really wished jordan felt better than what he did. i look forward to the 7th when they can get him in and get the surgery done. I pray it works, I hate the thoughts of going to another hospital like we did when he was 2. So sad for him... But his spirits are great!

We had a little birthday party over at Taras today, Tristian turns 2 on Easter Sunday! We got her a little tee with bat and balls. The set come with 2 balls. I sat one on the tee and Bella was holding one. When I handed Tristan the bat and told her to hit the ball, I am guessing she assumed the one Bella was holding cause she walked right up to her and clunked little Mrs Bella in the head. (ummmm sorry about that). I do think give or take a swat or two in the wrong direction the party was very successful.

Going into this Easter day I feel fortunate and so greatful to be the child of the most high father, to have my life saved and know what Love is. Forgive me Lord for getting in the hustle of the world, and forgeting to take the time out to be still and just know that you have a plan. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to be nailed to a cross, thank you Lord for loving me enough to die for me, and thank you Lord for rising so that we shall have eternal life with you. Forgive me Lord for sinned, I am so thankful you have came into my heart and saved me!

Easter bunnies and Egg hunts are super, but lets not forget the real reason we are clebrateing today, and its not to see Peter Cottontail come hoping down the bunny trail.

Non Fiction....

This week has been very somber and inconceivable. I will be glad to start a new one. I'm at work tonight, its actually a good thing would have me going insane. At least escaping to work gets my mind off things. Ferlin said that he would be gone this morning and hes still here. This has to be a good sign right, that he wants to get better. Lets just hope.

He said day 14 today. It feels so weird to be counting days again when he was able to say 3 years. I have always looked at setbacks as defeat and failure, that's why I try not to have many.... Maybe i should be looking at this more positively while not focusing on all the things that happened but looking for the good points in the situation.... Nah, that sounds to fictional. The truth is my life may sometimes feel like a good fiction book, but in the end I am placed on the non fiction shelf. My life story is good and bad, failure and successes. In this non fiction book you will find my dreams along with my nightmares, my likes and dislikes. I'm telling ya looking for a publisher, this is going to be a #1 best seller, because looking ahead in my book your fixing to read about an unlikely testimony! I can just feel it.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Believe it!