Just another day

I am feeling pretty cruddy today. I havent been sick in a while, but there is something about today that is just making me feel blah, all my bones are achy, im chilling and I am so super tired.

There isnt alot that has went on in my day today, kids actually did there work good today, and I watched my neice and nephew today. I talked to ferlin this morning at 7 and again at 6 tonight. He has to rush to get everything in he wants to say to me and the kids, and for somereason I am still sinceing some kind of attitude he has. I know that this was a big step for him, but he is still very short with his answers and seems to anger very easily.

They have him on so much medicine up there I am just wondering after they detx him from the drugs and alchocol if they will need to detox him for all that, hmm, just dont make alot of since to me. He seems to be hitting some kind of depression that he went into before, and on Friday they will be transfering him to the other side to where he will be put back on his normal meds, hopefully that will help with that.

I am trying to adjust to this new life about me and the kids, I cant help but feel a little relief when he isnt around. I love him so much and I hope with everything that I has that he is able to beat his addiction and be the kind of dad that God has meant for him to be.

I guess right now my biggest struggle is my family, no one seems to understand me, and why I continue to hold out hope. Sometimes I dont understand myself. I wish that I felt like I had a little support though, seems like that would make it easier on me. The last things these babies want is a broken family, and you would thank that they would try to understand that. I talked alot about that today in an alanon class and all they could tell me is that I have to listen to me, I just wish I could fgure out what "me" was saying. I know with all there hidden comments and feelings about it, I am learning very quickly that I cant talk with them, so I will keep my feelings to myself. It would be awesome to be bale to have them to talk to but I am learning that there agenda is not the same to them. Which I am trying to understand, and I do in a way. They are the ones that have seen me hurt, and for that Im sorry, but people do change, and I am just so glad that God didnt give up on me while I was changing!

Ugh, well I guess I am going to head and lay down! Got a big day tomorrow, gonna go talk about 4 h camp, yep I am thinking about letting Mariah go. Thats a whole week!!! I am so proud of me!